Heart to Heart Adoptions

The Call. You Know The One...THE Call.

2011-09-09T15:30:00.000-06:00

Are there certain things you wish you'd known before you received The Call?

No matter how long a family has been waiting, when they finally receive The Call, their homes inevitably look like the departure scene in one of our favorite movies, "Home Alone". Most people are usually rushing around, missing things, but usually not people. So if your journey begins early, consider having a plan!

Sometimes it is difficult to believe that, after waiting for some time to start a family, The Call actually comes! Some families have not previously been matched with a birth mother, so the call can indeed be a surprise. Often, couples feel the emotional and psychological risk of having too much ready may put a "curse" on things. And for even other couples, they expect to be matched with a baby locally, so they don't think to plan to be away from home - for any length of time. And, if you're anything like me, my basic human tendency is to procrastinate!

As an agency, and with input from those of us (most of us) who are adoptive parents...here are a few suggestions:

You can't ever be too prepared.
If you can handle seeing constant reminders - the nursery just waiting to be occupied, a packed diaper bag - try to have a few of these things ready. Some people may not want lots of "baby stuff" in the house, but in retrospect, most wish they had left at least a few items with a loving family member or understanding friend, so that what you need is accessible when you need it. (You're never really prepared "enough," so don’t worry about it. And as always...remember that adoption is not a destination...it's a journey!

Expect it - Surprise!
Try to relax and remain flexible, as plans do change - whether due to birthparent's situation, baby’s needs, even weather, and many other factors well out of your control. (Think Hurricane Irene...etc...) Sometimes unpredictability leads to a more positive experience. (and certainly prepares you for parenthood - the most unpredictable adventure in life!) While a few parents are annoyed by things like ICPC taking longer than expected, others find the great joy in having a little extra time with baby all to themselves before coming home and sharing baby with everyone for the rest of their lives. Little attitude adjustments along the way make all the difference in the world.

You're not alone.
Even if you're adopting for a second or third time, the process, no matter how prepared you are, isn't always familiar. As time goes along, ask for details and ask any questions. Be assertive. Clarify with the case manager or social worker different instructions as they come your way. When should you go to the hospital? And when you arrive, where and whom will you be meeting? These are questions you may need answered more than once, as it's sometimes hard for excited new parents to retain all the information that comes throughout the journey.

Set up a "family and friends plan".
Who will you will tell what - and when - as the time comes. There are lots of emotions that will surface, but think about if you want an e-mail blast to everyone in your contacts or a mass text...or maybe just one phone call to a specific person who will spread the word. Facebook posts usually aren’t the best idea. (My husband and I opted to call only our parents and siblings.

Be logical.
If you do end up going outside your home state, how will you handle things that can happen when you are away from home. Sometimes a quick e-mail to a neighbor can make sure your mail will be picked up and newspaper brought in. Grandparents love to be needed, especially for important tasks like getting the house ready for your arrival home, shoveling snow, or washing baby clothes

What about the big homecoming?
Who will you want there? What is the smoothest transition for you and your new baby? The day we bring your new little one home will be joyful, and probably a little anxious. Maybe get a bite to eat and do a little final shopping while birthparents finish up paperwork. When the time comes, you will not want to waste a moment of time in getting home. And when you do, you will want to know who will be there excitedly waiting for you!
.

And finally....
ENJOY.
I can think of nothing more fulfilling than knowing someone chose us to parent her child. No matter how much stress there may be through the journey, and even surrounding The Call itself, remember what is most important!

Same Family...Different Stories

2011-08-24T07:30:00.001-06:00

Families with more than one adopted child obviously have children with different stories about how they joined the family. There are families who have of both biological children in the family and children who became part of the family through adoption. And of course, all families have children adopted through different adoption processes – domestic, international, perhaps all international but from different countries, public or private domestic adoption, and the list goes on and on. Even children who are adopted through the same process, e.g. private domestic (agency or independent adoptions) will certainly have their own unique story.

The various differences create both enriching experiences as well as some interesting challenges.

One of the most important challenges for parents usually relates to concerns about siblings relationships and the perception each child has of his place in the family: “Was it better to be born or adopted into my family?” “Are we real sisters?” or “Do Mom (or Dad) like you the most because you are the same color as they are?” In addition, they may worry about how outsiders’ comments about the family. Most parents hope for wonderful, peaceful, and close relationships between their children, but as parents, we know that realistically this is not always be the case. No matter how we all grew up, parents can't predict how sibling relationships turn out....so it becomes important for adoptive parents to understand that when there is sibling friction or rivalry, it is not likely that it is due to how the child(ren) joined the family. In fact, it's probably just very normal! We must remember that sibling relationships are so complex – so much is dependent on each child’s unique personality and temperament ... so sibling relationships are not always easy to influence--or control.
That being said, there are many ways for parents to help to influence sibling relationships in a positive way.

Comparisons (ick!)
For adoptive parents with more than one child, an important task is to diminish comparisons that might imply there's a difference in children’s role or "status" in the family because of the route they joined the family. For example: parents need to be free to express their positive feelings about giving birth to a child as well as the joy they have experienced through the adoption of another child. We can't deny our feelings in an attempt to protect children from the realities of these wonderful differences. A family who was there for one child’s birth can be glad for that experience as well as the excitement of flying to Texas to pick up their daughter. Through both indirect and direct ways, parents must continually send the message to their children that how each child joined the family is different - and wonderful - not better or worse.

Unfortunately, despite our repeated attempts at sending this message, children may reach their own conclusions about the differences and decide that their story was the "best" way or the "worst" way compared to a sibling’s. Sometimes a biological child may think it’s better to have been born to parents than adopted, but he just might also think that his sibling’s adoption story is so interesting and exciting that maybe adoption is better. (I'm pretty sure my biological children think adoption is the "best". We gotta work on that!) When adopted children compare their stories, they may decide that one is “better” than the other - “He came as a baby so Mom and Dad love him more.” or “She’s the luckiest. She gets presents from her birth mother and gets to visit her, and I don’t know my birth mother at all.”) Sometimes one child may have more information about his birth family than his sibling(s); one child has a picture, another doesn’t; one knows about both birth parents, another only about his birthmother, etc., all of which can potentially create feelings of confusion and jealousy.

Some parents try to minimize their children’s pain by denying one child something to try to protect another. For example, they may want to limit contact with one child’s birthmother because there is no possibility of contact for another child. This would be a big mistake because the child without contact could benefit enormously from contact with his siblings’ birth parent despite the possible jealousy or pain it may cause. We have no contact with our 10 year old's birthmother (the birthmother wanted a closed adoption once she placed). We have an open adoption with our 3 year old's birthmother. When her birthmother came to town several months ago, having her visit with our family, even though our 3 year old didn't understand that this was her birthmother, I feel our 10 year old really enjoyed visiting with this birthmother and asking her questions.

In another example, I heard a story heard recently of an adoptive mother of two children who are now adults. The adoptive mother never gave her first child a blanket that had been knitted for him by his birthmother because she didn't have anything to give the other adopted child. It seems it would be better to not deprive one child of something meaningful and special, and instead, try to help the other child develop coping skills for sadness, disappointment, and even anger.

Comparisons are rarely a good thing, especially in adoption. Parents may want to consider making a family policy that differences are not to be used to hurt each other... but again, as parents, we know we can't control what goes on all the time. If parents try pick up on hurt feelings from their child, they can be more ready to provide reassurance and comfort to the child. They will be able to offer reassurance that what the child has heard (or maybe feels) from a sibling does not match the parents’ feelings and attitude. It is crucial, however, to never discount the feelings of the child. Perhaps the parent could say, “I know you wish you had been with us when you were a baby, like your sister was. It seems that you're worried we might favor him because of that, but that’s not at all how Dad and I feel. We love you. But I certainly understand how you might feel this way.” Providing reassurance and validating feelings leaves the door of communication wide open for a child to express more feelings...ahh...every parent's goal!

Regardless of the route in which children entered the family, it is crucial for them to have a clear understanding of the reasons the family decided to adopt each child. As Holly van Gulden points out in Real Parents, Real Children, "it is important for children to believe the parents’ motivation was based on love for a child, not a cause or some need the child would fulfill. Adopted children do not want to grow up believing that they were, in effect, a project for the parents. In bio/adopt families, if a child was adopted first into the family, they may also think they are no longer needed when the parents become pregnant. Birth children may think their parents adopted because they were not the right gender (or race). These thoughts may seem absurd or irrational to adoptive parents, but they may make perfect sense to their children. With this realization, parents can proactively make statements to help defuse the power of these musings." Read that again. It's beautiful.

Promote Your Children’s Individual Strengths
A great way to ensure that children feel equally valued is to be very clear about the each unique and special characteristics each child brings to the family. As parents, we often connect to our children for different reasons, and sometimes it's easier to connect with one child than to another. (And siblings, too, may connect for reasons having nothing to do with how they came into the family.) When families embrace a shared family culture that is based on differences as well as similarities that are valued by everyone, they are able to weather doubts about their connections to their parents. For example, a family who has been more geared toward academics can celebrate the uniqueness of a child who is athletic and recognize in a positive way that this talent is definitely a gift from the child's birth parents!

Providing Children With Individual Attention
Can we ever do this enough? It seems so obvious, but it's is not always easy for parents to give each child in the family individual quality time. Different amounts of attention may be based on the child’s particular needs (a child who has learning disabilities certainly needs more help with homework) or stage of development – (a toddler definitely requires more help.) But children can perceive these differences incorrectly, and despite our reasonable and lengthy explanations, they still worry that attention differences are favoritism. Given this reality, as parents, let's be aware of our children’s feelings and acknowledge them. And of course, children can also try to manipulate parents into paying attention- or even get certain privileges– by charging that they are being treated unfairly: “You let him go with his friends, why can’t I?”) Try to not overreact when children try to use adoption as a hook - like, “You aren’t my real mother!” or “You love him more because he’s white like you!"and the list goes on and on...again...'normal' childhood behavior.

If we are consistent with our love and reassurance, and open and honest when questions come up, we are creating a family that is able to celebrate differences - and similarities - appropriately, and hopefully create love and harmony in our homes. And isn't that ultimately the goal of all parents...adoptive or otherwise?

It Happened. Again.

2011-08-15T17:01:00.003-06:00

Ok Parents: Gear up. It happened again.

As parents of adopted children, we are aware that eventually questions will arise with our children regarding where they came from and why. I guess I am lucky that the detailed questions haven't happened for 10 years. But it's happening now. And no matter how prepared we are for it, it's still a challenge. And it is painful.

This week my 10 year old, Meg, (our first adoption) has been very introverted, quiet, and emotional. One night as we lay snuggling in my bed, (admit it---it's the favorite thing for any parent!) she just started sobbing. Not the "I-want-something-you're-not-giving-me" or the "I-didn't-get-my-way" or "I'm-so-tired-I-can't-function" cry, but the "My-heart-hurts-and-I-can't-articulate-why" cry. So I asked her: "Please tell me what's bothering you so I can help you." And she answered.

"Why didn't T. [her birth mom] want me? Why did she give me away?"

Ouch. Again. Oh my heart hurt. Almost as much as hers, I'm sure.

No matter how loving a placement is, the thing that has to occur before the loving placement is rejection by the most important person in any child's life: their birth mother. And no matter how much they are loved in their adoptive family, no matter how much we use the adoption-friendly vocabulary, they still have those questions that their little brains ask but aren't mature enough to process the answers. So we have to try to answer those questions the best way possible.

As Meg and I talked, she kept wanting to know where T. is. I told her truthfully that I have no idea. In the past, we have encouraged Meg to journal as best she can, her feelings. Sometimes they are phonetically spelled entries, sometimes they are pictures she draws. But at this point, journaling doesn't seem to be enough. After a lengthy and tearful discussion, I suggested we write letters to T. and make a special "mailbox" to put them in until we "find" her. Will we find her? Probably not. But until then, Meg can write letters to her anytime she wants and place them in this special box. We had a great time Mod Podge-ing an empty graham cracker box and cutting a slit in the top to place her letters to T. (The good news is that making this box was far less pressure filled than the Valentine Day boxes we all hate so much!)

Meg's first letter was this:

"Dear T.,

I Miss you sooo Much. Wiy DiD you Give Me away Wiy Did you not want Me I Loved You so Much. Did I have a DaD/ and DiD i have sisters and berthrs to? DiD you Smok or Drec? I am 10 Naw.

I love you sooo Much. Please com Find Me.

Love MEG"

And we put it in the box. Meg asked if I wanted to write to T. too. Uh...ok. So I did. My letter - which I let Meg read before it went in our special box - was mostly letting T. know how much we love Meg. I told her how amazing and smart and wonderful Meg is. And how grateful we are that she is ours.

We will work this through. We have to. And we will. We are letting Meg process this as she is able and "allowing" her to have whatever feelings she has.

As all adoptive families will share, the decision to adopt brings with it countless issues and challenges as well as amazing pleasure and joy. Adopting a child of another race or culture adds additional elements to prepare for and consider. Not only is it an examination of personal beliefs regarding race and ethnicity before adopting a child of another race or culture necessary, but parents really need to explore their ability to tolerate being considered "different". And the child's struggles to be considered "different". Many families comfortably embrace being atypical. Their friends and countless others will support their choice, them, and the adopted child. Others need to be honest and realistic; they, their friends and family members, may be uncomfortable with standing out from the norm and not provide much support for the family or adopted child.

As we say frequently at Heart to Heart: "IT IS WHAT IT IS." Adopting transracially is difficult as the child grows up. As they grow and mature, their questions grow as well. And often, their little brains and hearts cannot process the questions they have. So again, we do the very best we can to keep our children loved, secure, and safe in knowing they are treasured.

Adoption authorities foresee the number and need for transracial adoptions will continue to increase over the coming years. As in marriage, true love is not enough to make any adoptive placement successful. However, with unconditional commitment, dedication, and LOTS of love, the likelihood success dramatically increases. Whether of differing cultures or ethnic backgrounds, one of the best things adoptive parents can do for their adoptive child and themselves is simply to enjoy them, to treasure and celebrate likenesses and difference,s and to let the child know they are a special and wanted child. In the meantime, there are many letters going in Meg's special box. She seems happy and content. Just getting those feelings out sometimes is enough. And through it all, Meg knows she is adored by her family.

Where's the Handbook? Manual of Directions? Guidelines?

2011-07-30T12:50:00.000-06:00

There isn't one! There aren't guidelines for learning how to instill pride in a child who has been adopted transracially.

When my husband, Mat, and I first looked into adoption, we were laser focused on how to adopt a baby rather than how to parent a child who would create our transracial family. We read everything we could find about successfully adopting, and spoke to anyone we could on the subject. We had dear friends who had adopted transracially, and were aware of some of the challenges that would arise, but less aware on how to tackle them.

When we became the proud adoptive parents of our sweet Meg, we dove right back into studying once again; trying to learn all we could from our favorite experts: Beth Hall, Amy Ford, Rhonda Roorda and Rita Simon, as well as the good old experts - Dr. Spock;, T. Berry Brazelton, Penelope Leach, etc.

This year, Meg turned 10. TEN! And now our focus has shifted again - this time to a something that's a bit harder to master through the books. As white parents of a black daughter, we are now rushing to stay ahead of our Meg's growing sense of identity, her sense of self as a unique individual. I find myself proactively looking for answers to questions she may ask, while at the same time trying to give her a solid sense of who she is even before she even asks.

When we experienced our first adoption 10+ years ago, the amazing resources available today did not exist. Sometimes I'm grateful it didn't - I wonder if so much knowledge at the very beginning of the process would have scared us too much to proceed with a transracial adoption. Still, I am very grateful for the education now; at least we know what's ahead and how to proceed. With our last adoption three years ago, I feel we were much more prepared and educated. With a transracially adopted child, we have a responsibility to educate these children every day and help them feel secure, grounded, and proud of their race and place in this society, family, and world.

To fulfill that responsibility, some experts recommend:
o interacting with people of your child's race

o living in diverse neighborhoods

o finding same race mentors and role models for your child

o advocating for unbiased learning materials in the commnity - the library, school, etc.

o confronting racism openly and proactively

o understanding and providing special maintenance to hair and skin
o celebrating all cultures

o creating a positive cultural environment at home

Unfortunately, there is no formula to assure that a child will grow up feeling proud of his or her ethnic heritage. We are the kind of people who like making lists and checking things off - especially my husband. I like to see that plan and follow it through; Mat, like most men, just want to "fix" everything. We have many friends who have adopted transracially, joined diversity groups, read books and gone to workshops, attended cultural festivals as a family. In fact - most parents involved in transracial adoptions make similar efforts. The majority of we who adopt are deliberate parents; we want to do right by our kids - especially because we have worked so hard and waited so long to get them.

Facing Challenges

Ultimately, we have had to come to terms with an inescapable reality: we cannot master transracial parenting. No matter how many things on the list we do, no matter how exemplary we ourselves might be as role models, no matter how much we love our sons and daughters, we cannot be our child's color and part of his or her cultural heritage. No matter how much I'd like to "be brown" (as Meg says) for a day - or a week, month, or year - it just isn't going to happen.

It's taken years - YEARS - for me to accept that I'm never going to parent our children perfectly. However, this news that could be quite discouraging, was actually quite liberating for me - us. Once we acknowledged the challenges facing us, we could break things down into manageable tasks. Then we did what all parents do: try hard, do our best every single day, and hope for the best. HOPE. It's a great word and a great emotion.

Acknowledging that transracial parenting is not a perfect science, we've learned some valuable lessons along the way...

Diversity is not enough. Diversity is good, but it's just not enough.

We live in a pretty diverse community, with neighbors from Japan, Samoa, New Zealand, Hawaii, and Korea, but our daughter does not find herself reflected in any one of them. Being with "not white" is not enough; transracially adopted kids need people like themselves in their lives. Choosing a certain babysitter, Cub Scout troop, or even hairdresser can influence a child's sense of self.

Surprises!

Years ago, in our blind enthusiam to meet people of Meg's race, we acted as though economic circumstances did not matter, and inadvertently accentuated differences more than similarities. Our family talked a lot about friends who had gone to Africa on service missions. Yes, it was amazing to hear of the service provided to these people who live a completely different life than us. Their villages were a far cry from our middle class neighborhood at home. It was a wonderful experience, but we learned that we have to seek out more than just race as a common ground.

Trans-racial parenting has been both harder than we imagined, and not so hard at all. While these additional efforts might seem to make things harder, none is really a hardship.Transracial parenting requires different deliberate efforts than same race parenting, but it is so rewarding and so worthwhile. Interestingly enough, what feels difficult about transracial parenting is building a feeling of "ordinariness" into extraordinary days; making experiences into more than just a series of field trips and meeting people, but creating for our daughters a secure and unified life.

The range of transracial parenting experiences has forced our family out of our comfort zone, and developed an extra measure of unity and courage in us all. Being part of a mixed race family has challenged us at times, but mostly enlightened us and altered our individual personalities by bringing out great qualities and characteristics we may have never realized. We've had to become more boldly public as a transracial family. We look to proud and successful women of various races for clues on how to raise our daughter. Asking strangers to help in this way can be scary, and we've been rejected before, but we've also been amazed at openness at time and the value of these discussions. The more we have reached out to people unlike ourselves, the easier it's been building a good rapport with strangers. We've realized that people aren't so different after all. Beyond all its other benefits, transracial parenting inevitably boosted our family's unity.

We also realized that Meg and Halle might not care as much as we do about all this. Parents are sometimes more motivated to learn about their children's 'culture' than the children are. After we went to great lengths to find and attend a family night with other transracial families, all Meg seems to remember is the swimming pool and the cotton candy we had at the barbeque.

Transracially adopted children aren't necessarily motivated to learn all they can about their birth cultures, any more than same race children are, but we still feel it's important for our family to be educated. This continuous effort at making ourselves more racially sensitive and aware, however, pushed us toward extremes at times. Once my racial radar goes on, I seem to notice racism everywhere. In our enthusiasm to "do the right things" with Meg, we moved a bit too close to the zealot zone; overdoing our quest for racial enlightenment. In our quest to educate ourselves about Meg's ethnicities, we lost sight of the main goal of enhancing her pride, not ours, in her heritage - while maintaining her secutiry in our family.

Sometimes when I think about the challenges ahead of us, navigating the parental waters with Meg and guiding her from a little girl to a teenager and then to a woman, I get completely exhausted. Fortunately, parenting brings so many rewards to make the journey amazing and worthwhile, and parenting Meg and Halle does seem extra measure special. I do try to remember what Meg's birthmom's parting words to me were: "I am black. You are white. You raise her to be a strong, black woman."

Our hope is that one day Meg and Halle will make this quest to know whatever they want to know about their heritage. We hope that if that time of searching comes, Meg's early experiences will resonate with a deep feeling of secutiry and confidence. We also want our children - all of them - to know how much we care about who they are, as unique individuals.

We do have fun; serious issues don't have to be somber. We get a kick out of the interesting reactions our mixed family elicits in some people. We laugh - a lot - at the ignorance we encounter. But we are a more united family for being on this journey together. Transracial families usually feel that they see the world more clearly than others, because we've experienced it from so many different angles than our plain vanilla counterparts.

When all is said and done, I suspect that it's more difficult to be a transracial family; harder for parents and harder for children. Like most things in life, though, the greater the challenge, the greater the reward. For us, the challenge of raising a child with a strong and uplifting sense of self has been frustrating and demanding, as well as enriching and enlightening.

And our journey has barely begun. We find joy in our journey...bring it on!

The Dreaded False Start

2011-07-11T15:22:00.000-06:00

This is one of those delicate and uncomfortable subjects to address: a failed placement. Those of us who are adoptive parents know - the light at the end of the tunnel is totally worth it - parenthood! But the journey is filled with twists and turns, and, possibly, a major detour. The bad news: sometimes a family is matched with a birthmother who decides not to place her baby with them - or even not at all. The good news: almost every prospective parent who faces such challenges goes on to adopt. And these parents say they ended up with the child who was “meant to be” theirs. Here are a few ideas about what you might expect and how you might lessen your risk of an unsuccessful adoption and how to move toward your ultimate goal - parenthood.

When a prospective adoptive family starts the adoption process, you begin with paperwork - lots of it - and then the home study and subseqent approval process. Once this is complete, your profile is shown to prospective birthmother(s) and then ....you’re matched with a birthmother, not with a child. Many pregnant women explore adoption options, and many change their minds along the way—choosing to parent or selecting a different family to adopt the child. Thus, some adoptive parents may begin working with an birthmother who later changes her mind. Most of these "false starts" happen soon after the match is made, before it’s progressed beyond a single, casual conversation. And at Heart to Heart, we minimize the risk of this by requiring birthmothers to participate in regular counseling, both individual and group therapy sessions.

Unfortunately, there are no surefire ways to avoid a false start, but at Heart to Heart we are able to mitigate the risk because you, as an adoptive family, will be working with our experienced professionals. There are also 'red flags' that sometimes occur when a birthother is unsure of her decision, and the counselors at Heart to Heart are very aware of this, and are able to address those as they arise. Again, there are no surefire ways to avoid a birthmother changing her mind, but at Heart, we put those risks at a minimum.

Good communication between all the parties is a must. As one of our adoptive mothers stated, "I'd much rather know the risks up front and along the way than turn a blind eye and hope that everything just turns out fine..." The open communication we encourage at Heart, as well as the appropriate counseling we offer, helps the birthmother feel sure about the decision she makes as well as keep the family 'in the loop' and aware of what's going on along the way.

Acceptance of a setback is not easy. Our adoptive family workers help parents understand that what happened was specific to their individual situation. It does not happen every time, and there will be a successful placement in the future. If you stick with the process, you will adopt. We encourage parents to work through the loss, accept what is not to be, and then keep going down the path. The way you process the loss is a matter of personal preference. Some families jump right back in, seeing no advantage in pulling their name off the list. Most believe they'd heal best by believing they'd be a family before too long. A few families, on the other hand, prefer to take some time after a false start. The decision is very personal and our experienced counselors and adoptive family workers will help you work through the decision that is best for you.

When a prospective placement doesn’t end in adoption, do not see it as a failure. In the end, the bumps in the road to adoption build great resiliency - something that is very helpful during parenthood! In fact, the feeling of finally adopting the child who was so clearly “meant to be” is shared by nearly every parent who has gone through such difficult challenges. As difficult as it is to hear "maybe it just wasn’t meant to be," it's the truth! Another adoptive mother shared the following: “I'd always wanted a good relationship with our birthmom - and I do. I cannot fathom having this relationship with the other birthmom we were matched with. And, of course, I cannot fathom having any other baby! If our previous match had been successful, I wouldn’t have my Elizabeth.”

Bottom line? Hang in there! Although the heartbreak of a failed placement can be great, the desire to be a parent will far outweigh the heartbreak of a placement that wasn't meant to be.

The PLAY Room!

2011-06-21T11:38:00.000-06:00

We recently moved into a new home. (new to us anyway) And lucky Halle, our 3 year old, even gets her own play room.I'm pretty sure I am more excited than her, but I'm admitting it - proudly! So as I set up the play room, I have big plans: a dress up area, a 'book nook', a kitchen area, and a place to play with dolls, Barbies, and the Little Tykes doll house and figures.

Figures.

That's where we ran into our first challenge. We went to pull out the Little Tikes play house and have lost all the "guys"* that go to it. (*the kids call them "guys") So off we head to Toys R Us to get figures to go with it. We saw the Fisher Price Loving Family Dollhouse and the figures that go with that. We found the Little Tikes figures to go with the house we have.

Here's the thing: have you noticed they don't sell the transracial family pack? Yeah. They don't. They have the Caucasian family and the African American family. I heard they have an Asian family, although it must have been sold out or something because we didn't see it on the rack. Anyway, we decided to buy several Caucasian families to represent everyone in our family, and then two Afrcian American families to represent us accurately there.

We brought them home and play time was awesome. In fact, we have assigned the "extra" figures different roles...people in our lives. And they change every day...different friends or family members.

I understand why Fisher Price, Little Tykes, and every company probably cannot accomodate representing transracial families - or any other kind of "different" family. But it's yet another reminder that our family is different. But guess what?

It's ok.

It provided us another open dialogue - again - and let us decide how to view this. It let us decide to be positive about it - and even laugh about it a little - as we assigned each new figure a name and role.

I was reminded again that we decide how to handle these seemingly small issues that can be big issues to a child. But we can make it a fun, positive thing. And we will!

The Good News!

2011-06-10T06:54:00.000-06:00

First, I apologze that so much time has passed since the last blog. And I appreciate the people I work with at Heart to Heart for being so understanding. I have had a few personal challenges this month and was unable to blog. Thank you for hanging in there, dear readers, and thank you to the amazing women at Heart to Heart - especially Donna - for your patience and understanding.

Now back to business!

We have been working hard with Meg, our 10 year old (and first adoption in our family) to express her feelings. She has had a hard time with identifying feelings and then she stifles til she blows a gasket. So we have made a concerted effort to encourage her to stop and think about what she's feeling, put a label on the feeling(s), and TALK about them. She can get/be as mad and angry and sad and frustrated as she wants. She can do whatever she needs to to blow of steam, But she has to identify her feelings first.

It's been a work in progress. But we are making baby steps.A few days ago Meg called me and said, "Mom, Mati* (*my 9 yr old) hurt my feelings."

She did it! She put a label to her feelings!! Wahoo!!

So I said, "Meg, I'm so sorry your feelings were hurt. What happened?" Apparently my three daughters, Chloe age 11, Meg age 10, and Mati age 9, were all on the bus coming home from school when the incident occurred. Meg said:

"We were on the bus and some girl said to Mati, 'Are those your sisters?' And Mati said yes. The girl said, 'Those two?" pointing to Chloe (Caucasian) and Meg (AA). And Mati said yes. Then the girl said 'Why is one brown and one white?' And Mati got to say, 'Because Meg is adopted.' And that hurt my feelings because she said it first! And I wanted to say I'm adopted - first!"

Did I hear this right? Meg had her feelings hurt because Mati said it first.

I said, "Oh Meg. I'm so sorry Mati shared your good news before you could. I'll talk to her about that. Mati may just be jealous that you're adopted and she's not."

Let me just insert here that we have had some funny conversations with Mati regarding adoption. She went through about a year of asking, "Who's my birth mom?" and I had to just say, "Me! I'm your birthmom. Sorry...." Every time she'd ask it was as if she was hoping the answer would change. I feel good about that because adoption is such a positive thing in our home that everyone wants to be part of it!

OK back to the conversation about the bus ride home. Then Meg said, "Why did the girl say, 'both of them?' Why would she think we aren't all sisters?" Big pause. "Is it because Chloe and Mati are white?"

I said, "Yes."

Meg: "So she didn't understand just because we don't look alike?"

Arrrggghhhhh! It was so sweet and innocent. She did not undertsand why that girl would question their sisterhood. And then...she assumed it was because Chloe and Mati are white - not because she is brown.

Again, in a way, I was proud. Because Meg is proud to be brown. And here's how I know that:

Meg is convinced anyone who goes tanning just wants to look like her.
She will often take my face in her hands and say, "Mom, I bet you wish you were brown like me, don't you?" And believe me, people, the answer is always yes.
She takes great satisfaction during the summer in always having the best 'tan'.
She is convinced every boy in her class has a crush on her. And she'll say things like, "Tyler has a crush on me - probably because I'm so good at soccer." Or, "Brayden says I'm beautiful - probably because I'm brown." Or, "Marcus wants me to be his girlfriend, probably because I am the best skateboarder and he likes my braids."

Now don't get me wrong here - remember that I'm not sharing all aspects of life - and in our family we work as hard on her feeling beautiful on the inside as the outside. But admit it, my Adoptive Parent Friends, we do have to address the brown-ness and make sure our kids are secure in it being a wonderfully positive thing. And we do it often. Because as I've mentioned in other posts, there are already those who make negative comments - even though it usually isn't intended to hurt.

So when she questioned why someone would questions their sisterhood just because they are different skin color, it was interesting to me that she didn't say "...because I'm black...", she thought it was because Chloe and Mati are white. So my husband said, "Meg, people often notice only what people look like and make judgments. I wonder how many people think, 'Wow, look at all those pasty people in that family!' " And Meg lost it. She was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe! Then he went on:

"Or maybe they say, 'Hey look at that bald, chubby dad..." or "Look! That mom is in a wheelchair." or "Hey, that baby wears glasses!"

Meg just giggled and giggled. Because we just got it out there. No, it wasn't politically correct. But it was true. People do think those things when our family walks into a room. And they think other things about other families. Is it 'right'? Probably not. Is it human nature? Probably so. But my husband and I feel like if we acknowledge what's out there - no matter how uncomfortable it may seem - we empower the children - especially Meg - to handle what comes their way. And we feel like if we can put a positive - or even humorous spin on it - we can empower her, as well as our other children, to respond to things, come what may.

Maybe we aren't handling it the way Dr. Phil would say is appropriate. But again, we all have to find what works in our homes; we have to work with our family dynamic, the child's personality, the child's developmental level and emotional capability, etc.

But bottom line? Meg just wanted to share her own good news: SHE'S ADOPTED. AND PROUD OF IT.

You go, girl!

Happy Mother's Day - to all!

2011-05-07T11:21:00.000-06:00

Let's face it: Mother's Day can be tricky. The Saturday before Mother's Day is traditionally Birth Mother's Day. Then...Mother's Day. Yet for some reason, some of us, as adoptive mothers, relegate ourselves to second place as mothers, feeling that the birth mother really deserves to be placed on a pedestal.

She does. On many levels. But so do we , as adoptive moms.

I had an interesting conversation several years ago with Donna, the director of Heart to Heart, and an adoptive mother to 3 boys. She said something along the lines of, "When can I just be the mom, and quit feeling like I have to always acknowledge birthmothers first?" If you're an adoptive mother, you understand these feelings completely and without judgement.

We are the menders of hurt, the mothers who make our children whole enough to understand losses. Like everything of value, we need to brokerthis valued child and his/her adoption, support it, risk manage it… and at the end of the day wear it with pride. We are the mother s who heal.

It seems like we, as adoptive mothers, should take time to celebrate ourselves as mothers! We are the mothers making our children at home with themselves. We are the means (when our children grow up) for our children to connect to what was, what might have been, and what may be. We empower our children to make relationships and connections in the world. And perhaps more importantly we empower them to look for routes out and on from “who they have been nurtured into being” as opposed to the roots from where they came. By celebrating roots, we give them their wings.

So go ahead, enjoy Mother's Day. You've waited a long time for this day...and you're now a mother.

Happy MOTHER'S Day!

An Adoptive Family Update Letter!

2011-04-20T17:08:00.000-06:00

We LOVE getting updates from our wonderful adoptive families. Here is an update from adoptive mom, Raegan:

"Well, here is another update of my not so little man ( Sob,Sob). Boston is now two and a half which he proudly will tell you. This kid just gets cuter and cuter, although I guess I am a little biased. We are still loving every minute with him... o.k. I didn't love the minute where he was having a meltdown in the dollar store and screaming at the top of his lungs. Although it seems like a funny story now. He is fully in underwear and there is no looking back. He spends most of his days in the great outdoors, playing in the sandbox, and on his playground. Most of the time in a shirt and undies; just doesn't like the pants.

For the longest time he would see something of his from when he was a baby and say, "When I was a baby in mommy's tummy!" Now when you ask him, he says he was in Tangela's tummy. I am so glad he will always know about where he came from and how much he is and was loved from the start. It still surprises me the things people will say. We actually once had someone ask us if we thought we would tell him if he was adopted...HELLO, unless he is super slow ... I am sure he will figure that out!

I could go on and on and on about this little boy and how much we love him, and are so fortunate to have him, BUT Mama needs some sleep. We really wish you lived closer, Shelly. I know Bosti and Halle would be good buddies.

We are sending lots of love and kisses,
Raegan"

Tough Talk. Crucial Conversations. Difficult Discussions. Call if what you want....it's still not easy!

2011-04-06T19:50:00.000-06:00

Your three year old is totally content playing the the sandbox and swings. But as you watch, you wonder how will you ever tell him that his birthmother abandoned him in a public place prior to adoption?

You've been able to avoid questions about your 10 year old's birthmother, but lately, she's been asking a lot of questions. How do you tell her that birthmother was addicted to drugs?

Your teenager seems to have a really short fuse lately. Could it be because you told him that he is the only one of his birthmother's children that she placed for adoption? Maybe telling him wasn't the right thing to do...

Adoption is an amazing experience that comes with some sadness along the way; especially when there are difficult parts to your child's story. Your natural instinct is to shield your child and maintain innocence as long as possible. You try to focus on the happiness he's brought to your family. Is it ever ok to avoid, or just plain bury, sad truths of the past?

Should You Tell All?
"During my 30 years working in the field, I've never seen information an adult adoptee shouldn't know," says Ronny Diamond, an adoption therapist and director of the adoption consultation team at Spence-Chapin, in New York City. But that doesn't mean you tell it all at once.

When considering what information to share, and when, ask yourself: ‘Why don't we talk about this?'" Is it because you think he's not ready to know, or because you're not ready to tell him?

Be sensitive to share information in ways that are appropriate to your child's age, maturity, and understanding. "Children are entitled to information, but that doesn't mean a parent needs to say everything at once," says Diamond. "Parents have the responsibility to make decisions in the child's best interest, including what to share and when and how to share it."

Preschoolers are unable to understand abstract concepts or cultural prejudices. They don't know how babies are made, so they can't make sense of rape/prostitution. Experts disagree as to when older children should be told painful personal information. But no matter how you choose to approach this difficult task, is is important that you tell your child the story of his past at some point. "It's not a parent's job to keep information from a child," says Diamond. "It's the parents' job to help the child make sense of that information." You do that by explaining things in a positive, understandable way, by answering any questions your child asks, and by providing the context, as well as unconditional love and support, to help her begin to make sense of her birth family's actions.

Preschool: Telling the Story!

There are two important parts to sharing adoption information with preschoolers. First, tell the child's story as a story, not as a list of facts. If "Once upon a time..." catches your child's interest - which it probably will - go from there. Just make sure your child understands that, unlike a fairy tale, this story is true.

Second: no lies. Sometimes it can be tempting to embellish an adoption story. But anything you say may be taken and remembered as fact, so leave the story unaltered. "

Limit negative details at this tender age, too. "You wouldn't explain rape and incest to a six-year-old," says adoption therapist Brenda McCreight. "So why talk about such things in relation to the child's own life?"

Marvleous Middle Years
Around age seven to nine, children make huge leaps cognitively. They understand more abstract concepts and will probably have more questions about their adoption story. Although kids this age seem young and tender, they're pretty resilient, and this is often an ideal age for sharing or revisiting thorny realities.

Older elementary school kids haven't quite entered the volitile stages of adolescence. They're still talking to you—and listening to you! They're able to process new information about their past before defining their identities as teens
.
Keep in mind that each child processes information at his own pace. But at this stage, a child can understand the social context of his birthparents adoption decision. Learning about the social conditions that may have lead to infant abandonment, or extreme poverty, drug or alcohol addiction, or prejudice against unwed mothers, can be very important in helping a child try to make sense of his past.

And please-don't forget to balance facts with feelings and speculation. If you are someone comfortable with hard facts, try to ask open-ended, emotional questions. In cases of abandonment, you may say: "I wish we knew more about your birthparents! Does it ever make you mad that we don't?" If a child's biological siblings are being raised by his birthparents, you could say: "I wonder how your life would have been different if your birth family had been able to raise you?" I would probably end each question with a positive reinforcement of how happy and blessed you feel to have your child as part of your family.

Buck Up and Be the Messenger
In most situations, with most children, adoption experts agree that adoption information - especially the difficult stuff - is best shared by the child's parents. After all, you are the people who love him and he trusts you. Parents may benefit from consulting a therapist for advice on what to say, how to say it, and to otherwise prepare for challenging conversations. (I know we have!)

Compassion...Compassion...Compassion!
Thoughtful discussions throughout childhood will help your child develop compassion for families in difficult circumstances—families like their birth families—without the resources to cope. The goal is not to excuse neglect, abuse, or other hurtful behavior. In fact, it's wise to validate your child's negative feelings. If your child reacts by saying, "I hate my birthparents!", don't rush into an explanation of why they shouldn't hate them or why they have problems. A gentle "I understand" can work wonders. The rest can come later.

One adoptive mother in the Milwaukee area has always been open with her twin sons about the fact that their parents' alcohol abuse led to their leaving the boys in a burning apartment. She tells her boys that their birthparents must have been very loving when they weren't drinking, because the boys were so affectionate when they joined their adoptive family. "I guess I'm trying to help them see alcohol as the culprit, not their birthparents," says this mom. What a wise woman!

Ultimately, says Diamond, "We want our children to be able to say, ‘My birthparents did the best they could. And placing me was the best they could."

In the words of Wayne Dyer...“Judgements Prevent Us From Seeing the Good That Lies Beyond Appearances”

2011-03-31T22:39:00.000-06:00

I heard a quote this week that really struck a chord with me:

"We are all just one circumstance away from really bad situations."

It made me think, on many levels. It's true for me. And probably true for you. And definitely true for the birthmothers we work with.

Adoption brings a child born to other parents into a new family. Birth parents have a number of reasons for placing children for adoption. In the end, it's usually because they want better lives for their children than they feel they can provide.

Children who are placed for adoption come from many different circumstances. Still, we encounter people who think it is okay to say whatever they want about a child's birth parents; the very people that gave your child life - and gave you the opportunity to be a parent. So, why do people think it is okay to speculate about the choices of birth parents? There are those who seem to believe that the only women who would place a baby for adoption are young, single, and poor. While that profile might fit some birth mothers, it certainly does not fit all.

There are others who assume that the baby was "conceived in sin" because he was born to an unwed mother. Perhaps his birth mother was involved with an abusive man and placed her baby for adoption to protect him from abuse. Perhaps the birth mother already had more children than she could care for on a limited income and wanted to provide a better life for the baby. Perhaps the birth mother had a surprise pregnancy late in life and was not physically/emotionally/financially healthy enough to raise another child. There are those who have cognitive delays or mental/emotional illness. Many come from a family steeped in generations of bad choices and/or addiction, and part of a cycle that's difficult to break. It isn't a pretty picture. Placing their child for adoption is the first step for most in breaking a tough cycle.

There is a certain segment of our society that says, "If you want to be successful then all you have to do is work hard and make the right choices". That sounds nice, but if your reality is dysfunctional family and lack of support, poor education, low socioeconomic factors and lack of opportunity, it is difficult make seemingly right choices. They aren't available to you. There are some who do it, but those very few usually have someone in their life helping them make the right choice and offering the opportunity. This isn't an excuse for their behavior, but a look into why things happen this way.

Working in adoption, we have access to more than average amount of information on birth parents, and it's often quite clear how a birth mother's choices led her to where she is. And to be honest, I feel for them - I really do. Because most of them are really good, caring women who love their children. But usually they have no family support. They rarely have examples of functional parenting/family life, and most are doing the very best they can with what they know.

If one circumstance had been different, they'd probably be in very different situation.

The people who inhabit that universe do not have the same world view as us. The rules that provided us with edcuation, jobs, homes, stability, etc., don't exist in their world. They spend every day just surviving. They don't live - they survive. This may seem to be oversimplifying things, because there are many factors that go into making people the way they are, but it helps our ability to understand things a little more clearly. They simply live in a different lifestyle than most of us do.

It all comes down to this: I know I can't get through the day without support from family and friends. And when I have a crisis - big or small - I am surrounded by people who are ready and willing to help. When I have a question about my kids, there are people I can call on for help/advice. I can only imagine how hard it is for parents with little support and multiple challenges.
As one of my daughter's birthmother told me, "I've made a lot of bad choices in my life, but placing this baby is the best one I've ever made. And one I will always be proud of."

Consider that next time there is frustration about a birthparent and their seemingly long trail of poor choices. If you are lucky enough to be the parent of an adopted child, you know that the birthparent has made one incredible, amazing, selfless choice - placing that baby in your family and giving you the greatest gift ever -- the privilege of being "mom" or "dad'.

So maybe next time there are judgments being made about a birthparent, exercise a little tolerance. Appreciation. And maybe even just . . . love.

10 Tips From Parents Of ... Nineteen?

2011-03-25T18:52:00.001-06:00

When you raise a child, you learn every day. When you raise 19, you learn a lot - every day. Like 'em or not, agree with them or not, the Duggar Family have 19 pretty well adjusted, well spoken, well behaved, and well adjusted children - even in the opinion of top experts. Here are 10 lessons that all parents can learn from this surprisingly normal, and exceptionally large clan:

Lesson 1: Ask for Help When You Need It
Michelle likes to tell the story of when she “only” had seven kids, and the laundry pile was more than she could handle. She was exhausted from staying up until two in the morning trying to get the situation under control, and finally, in desperation, mentioned the challenge and her need to a friend. To her surprise, the friend admitted to actually enjoying laundry, and offered to come over to help Michelle catch up. Sometimes it feels silly to be overwhelmed by things like laundry or dinner prep but those frustrations are real and can add up and can make parenthood a dark place to be at times.

Lesson 2: Budget.

Let's be honest here: if you've been through adoption, budget is a big deal. Michelle Duggar is big on heading to the consignment store and buying used - and there's certainly no shortage of hand me downs in their home. "It took us 7 years to get debt free," said Michelle, whose take on budgeting is "buy used and save the difference." (In fact, I think they refer to it as their family motto!)

Lesson 3: Dole out the chores.

With all the kids helping out, chores can be an easy routine. The kids are responsible for a specific area of the home (Michelle calls it a “jurisdiction”) and receive age-appropriate responsibilities. Even the youngest members of the family can do things like pick up toys or wipe off a table, and everyone earns prizes or monetary rewards for doing their part. Older kids who go above and beyond their assigned chores can earn extra money. Michelle says one of the best parts of their chore system is watching the older kids help out the younger kids and seeing the younger ones yearn for the same responsibility the older ones have earned. Now believe me, I've heard the arguments that the Duggar children work "too much" and are "raising each other", so take the part of the advice that works for you - literally. Children do need to learn the value of work - and team work within a family - so find the way that is healthiest within your home.

Lesson 4: Teach the importance of volunteering.

The Duggars homeschool, so the kids get a lot of knowledge through family experiences, whether they're helping remodel a house for a needy family or traveling to Central America to volunteer in orphanages. Michelle and Jim Bob make it a priority to give them opportunities to serve and learn and give back to the community -- and they've got well-rounded, world-citizen kids as a result.

Lesson 5: Make your marriage a priority.

Raising kids can be a strain on any marriage. And I believe adoption is a little extra strain at times. To keep their relationship in check, Michelle and Bob make regular weekly dates a top priority. Maintaining a strong relationship makes them better able to be great parents.

Lesson 6: Discipline with loads of patience.

Somehow the Duggars make all that discipline business look easy. They keep their cool when the kids act up and speak in soft, gentle voices. Michelle's philosophy is “to praise our children ten times more than we correct them.” And I do think the speak softly philosophy is a great tool and great example.

Lesson 7: Let them think they chose dinner.

It’s hard to please 19 palettes, but the Duggars make everyone happy by serving their meals buffet-style so picky eaters can survey the options and enjoy the meal too. And of course, they eat all three meals together, at the same (absolutely enormous) table. And once again....take a look at the studies that show the many benefits of family dinner time.

Lesson 8: Always make time for family.

Michelle's top priority as a stay-at-home mom isn't to get all the laundry done or have a steaming hot dinner on the table when her husband comes home from work -- instead it's to build strong relationships with each and every child by playing with them, talking through hardships with them and guiding them through life.

Lesson 9: Help kids maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Vegging out on the couch with a Wii or Playstation? Not the Duggar kids. Michelle and Jim Bob promote a healthy lifestyle and encourage their kids to exercise with them. Just recently, the kids took swimming lessons, and one of their favorite ways to spend time together is at their local rec center playing broomball. Even Michelle -- stay-at-home mom to a million kids -- manages to get up before the kids do to spend a dedicated hour with her elliptical machine.

Lesson 10: Celebrate birthdays.* (*and I would add to that "Gotcha Days"-the day your child joined your family- "Finalization Celebration", "Match Date" - the day you were matched with birthmom, etc. Any day your family celebrates specific to adoption!)

Planning birthday parties for 19 kids can get old fast, but whether their kids are turning 8 or 18, the Duggars always celebrate their children’s birthdays. Year after year, it’s one of the many ways Michelle and Jim Bob show their kids how much they love them. In addition to cake, there have been bounce houses and costume parties and once, for daughter Joy-Anna, a train ride. There's no such thing as birthday burnout at the Duggar house.

Now...do I agree with everything the Duggars do? No. But are there things about them that I respect, and things I have learned from them - for good or bad? Absolutely.

As parents, no matter how we arrived here, we can all learn from each other. So take what you like, or what you can tweak to fit into your life, and apply it if you so desire.

Adaopted from an article by Emilee Cassee

Role Models in Adoption

2011-03-17T12:02:00.000-06:00

Everyone needs a role model. They teach us about ourselves. In children, they help to define what they feel is important and meaningful. Sometimes children compare themselves, and when they believe that they share characteristics, it can help them to believe in themselves. If they find similarities in the person they admire—in any way—it is easier to believe that they are ok themselves and provide an important kinship.

Role models can help teach:

Character - helping define what we admire and value, and maybe over time, what we feel is less important.
Possibilities - we may not have thought we could obtain and which inspire us to keep trying and keep hoping.
Strategies - in handling life’s challenges. This helps us think we, too, can overcome obstacles.

Goals - we may not have even dare set for ourselves if we didn't have a role model to inspire us!

Role models who are also adoptees are especially important for children. Adoption is a different experience that is not shared with everyone. It can affect a child’s self-esteem and we know that during certain times of their lives, children may feel adoption somehow makes them less valuable. Role models help them to realize that there are millions of adoptees - and the majority grow up to be happy and successful. Sometimes adoption provides an opportunity to make children more resilient, or help them develop skills/interests they may not have otherwise.

It is important to provide them with opportunities to make connections with adoptees, regardless of whether their adoption stories are similar or not. Consider the fact that Washington D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams can inspire every child, though few will share a common adoption story. Children can be empowered by learning how he incorporated his identity as an adoptee with the successful person he is today.

Did you know that these successful people are all adoptees?

Sarah McLachlan - a musician, songwriter, performer and winner of two Grammy Awards. She and her two older brothers were adopted.
Edward Albee -Playwright
John J. Audubon – Naturalist

Surya Bonaly – Olympic Figure Skater
Peter and Kitty Carruthers – Olympic Skaters
Christina Crawford – Author
Daunte Culpepper – football players, Minnesota Vikings
Faith Daniels - TV News Personality
Eric Dickerson - Pro Football Player
Melissa Gilbert - Actor
Scott Hamilton – Olympic Skater
Faith Hill - Singer
Steve Jobs - Founder, Apple Computer
Art Linkletter - TV Personality
Charlotte Anne Lopez - Miss Teen USA
Greg Louganis - Olympic Diver
James Michener - Author
Tom Monaghan - Founder, Domino’s Pizza
Dan O’Brien - Olympic Gold Medalist

Jim Palmer - Pro Baseball Player
Dave Thomas - Founder, Wendy’s

Because of the way adoption is portrayed in literature, the media, and Hollywood; children are likely to be unaware of how common it is for adoptees to grow up as successful, “normal” adults. Strive to surround them with that message. We can educate the world about the overwhelming success of adoptees. We can let EVERYONE know that there are many adoptees—some famous, others who are not—who can be role models for all!

Cold Feet? Nervous Nellie/Ned? Otherwise Known As A Reluctant Spouse!

2011-03-11T18:12:00.000-07:00

Often when couples get deeper and deeper into the adoption process, there is one spouse who seems reluctant to continue the process. Some of the concerns may be:

Age. (Am I too old to parent a child? Do I have enough time, energy, patience?)

Money. (Am I able to save for a college education when I probably need to start saving for retirement? Will an adoption clean out all my savings? Will we ever be able to go on vacation again?)

Time. (Will a child disrupt my lifestyle? Will I have to curb my work hours - and do I want to?)
Family. (Will my parents accept an adopted child? Will children from a previous marriage be resentful to me for starting a new family? Will I continue to make the same parenting mistakes?)
The Unknown. (What child is ours? What unknown genetics may arise? Am I able to love an adopted child as much as a biological one?)

These questions are important and valid - and often unanswerable until a couple is living with the changes a child brings. They may focus on the reluctant spouse's concerns: what may be lost as far as financial security, time with spouse, uninterrupted work time, and bonding with the child. Until the spouse experiences the benefits that come with parenting, there is really nothing to calm those fears. Even after a spouse agrees to move forward, there may be some backsliding. This is normal understandable when you contrast a pregnancy with an adoption. A pregnancy usually gives a reluctant spouse nine whole months to get used to the idea of parenthood and is greeted with joy and excitement by friends and relatives. A pregnancy also inspires questions like: Is it a boy or girl? Have you chosen a name? How much time will you take off work?

But the issues that couples confront during the adoption process may be along these lines: What age will your child be? Boy or girl? What health conditions do you know about? What race? How much contact will you have with the birth-parents? How will you talk about adoption to him? What role will the child's ethnicity play in her life? How will you cope with disabilities? What if your relatives don't accept this child?

And that's not even the tip of the iceberg as far as procedural aspects. Lawyer or agency? Public or private? Open or closed? These questions not only put the issues of "baby" at a reluctant spouse again and again, but almost demand that he opt in - or out. The upside is that this constant probing gives adoptive couples preparation for parenting that the biological way doesn't usually afford. The downside is that every new question and issue may reignite a reluctant spouse's reticence.

My own husband, Mat, had only one concern when we first considered adoption: would he feel the same way about an adopted child as he did our 4 biological children? That fear was quickly and permanently erased the minute he held Meg in his arms for the first time. Since then, I can't tell you how many couples we have talked with, had dinner with, or met with who have the same (or other) concerns as Mat did. And he is great to listen. He empathizes. He validates. And then he reassures them that their fears and concerns are legitimate. But then, he gently encourages them to take the plunge, if they feel it's right for their family.

Now if you haven't had the pleasure of going to dinner with Mat and me to talk all things adoption, here are some suggestions to ease the fears of The Reluctant Spouse:

Acknowledge your spouse's concerns and fears - then listen with interest. No judgments!
Discuss the differences between you: try not to cover them up or smooth it over.
Keep a balance in your discussions between the reasons for your wanting to adopt and your spouse's resistance.
Don't take your spouse's first reaction as the final word. When something is emotionally charged (as adoption is!), people often say things they may not really mean.
Give your spouse time and space to think over the issues as they arise. Remember people approach change at different speeds.
Don't expect your spouse to react to every development in the adoption process the same way you do.
Working with an agency like Heart to Heart provides a solid process for exploring adoption issues; don't assume that you know every angle and every issue.
If your spouse isn't providing enough support and encouragement for you to cope with the roller coaster adoption process, seek it from an understanding friend or relative.
Speak with a counselor or adoptive family worker at Heart to Heart if you're having difficulty navigating these issues. A reluctant spouse may hear questions and answers better from a neutral observer.

With good communication between you and your spouse, as well as your family and friends, the ability to work through the concerns and worries of your spouse are more easily worked through. The adoption process is a roller coaster. Hang on for the ride!

Polka Dots...or Not?

2011-03-04T13:28:00.002-07:00

So...about 9 years and 10 months ago, as I was changing Meg's diaper, I noticed what appeared to be a pretty good bruise on her perfect little body. Then during bathtime, one of the children said, "Look. Meg has a polka dot on her back!" And there it was - another bruise looking mark on the small of her back.

I freaked out.

I checked her car seat to see if there were any uneven surfaces that could be causing irritation. I checked her crib, blankets, swing, and bouncy seat. Nothing. Everything was soft, even, and looked quite cozy. Then I started thinking down a path I didn't ever think I'd go down. Had someone done this to Meg? I recounted every moment of every day - had Meg ever been out of my sight unattended, and if so, with whom? The answer came quickly and easily - - a firm no. I'd never left her with anyone, babysitter or otherwise. For heavens sakes, I couldn't even put the child down for bed without great sadness at our separation through the night until morning. I held her every second of every day that I could - and rarely shared.

So...next morning, I took her promptly to the pediatrician. What were these painful looking bruises and where were they coming from? I was a mess. Fortunately, our pediatrician was not a mess; she is a wonderful, compassionate, and educated woman who knows the perfect balance between informing the parent of whats really going on without making the parent feel like a complete idiot (even when that may be the case). She is our angel and her name is Dr. Owens. We adore her. She's the Mary Poppins of the medical world: Practically Perfect In Every Way. (But that's another post entirely. And it will be long one.)

Anyway, Dr. Owens' answer was simple: MONGOLIAN SPOTS. Well, I smoothly explained, Meg was not of Mongolian descent so clearly that wasn't accurate. And with her sweet, empathetic smile, Dr. Owens explained Mongolian Spots:

(*disclaimer* I'm not offering medical advice from either Dr. Owens or myself. I'm just recalling the conversation we had that day to the best of my ability, and bolstered it with a little additional research)

Mongolian Spots are flat, irregular shaped birthmarks commonly seen in children Asian, East Indian, African, or Latino descent. According to the American Journal of Dermatology, at least 90 percent of people of African heritage have these marks, as do over 80 percent of Asians. And in spite the name, Mongolian spots have no known anthropologic significance, except for being more common in darker-skinned infants. (Although 10 percent of Caucasians also have Mongolian spots. There's always an exception, right?)

These bluish to deep brown-black skin markings usually appear at the base of the spine, the buttocks and back, and occasionally on the ankles or wrists. They can vary in size from a pin head to 6 inches across. Spots are caused by skin cells called melanocytes and have normal texture. They commonly appear at birth, or shortly after birth, and can look very much like bruises. In fact, your doctor can even keep a diagram of the number and position of any Mongolian spots in your child's chart.

Danger?
Mongolian spots are harmless. They are benign and are not associated with any illnesses or risk factors. They usually fade in a few years and often disappear completely by puberty. Rarely do they persist into adulthood, however, there is no need for treatment. The majority of these spots are gone by around age 2.

Yet another oppotunity to educate!
Since Mongolian spots can easily be mistaken for bruises, they have on occasion triggered accusations of child abuse. If your child had a caregiver, other than yourself, perhaps explain in advance what these marks are to avoid confusion. If appropriate, consider making others aware who are in regular contact with your child; grandparents, neighbors, or other family members.

And just a little trivia...in some cultures, Mongolian Spots are considered beauty marks and you're missing out if you don't have them. (Too bad for us!)

According to one mom, Katie, "My son has the cutest Mongolian spot right on his little booty. We think it's darling and hope it never fades!"

So...if you notice these spots on your baby, just enjoy them as another unique characteristic of your amazing child and his ethnicity!

Ways To Talk About Racism With Your Child

2011-02-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

Yep. It's uncomfortable even typing the title to this post. Racism is an unpleasant subject and feels even more offensive when realizing when have to discuss it with children. I know the ugliness of the subject gives me anxiety even thinking about it. So often we avoid talking about it. We don't want to talk about it.

But we have to.

And it's important to discuss it before they experience it, which is usually in the early elementary school years, when children start noticing differences in themselves and each other. Here are a few suggestions on how to open the door for conversation:

1. LET HER KNOW RACISM IS NOT HER FAULT.
Tell you child she may get teased because of the type of hair she has or the color of her skin. But it's not because there's something wrong with her. She is doing nothing to cause the bad behavior on the other child's part. The other child is responsible for her own thoughts and actions - right or wrong.

2. START TALKING EARLY.
Even after having conversations from an early age, my Meg didn't tell me she was being teased at school; I witnessed it the first time while helping in her classroom. I think Meg kept some of it from me because she sensed how upsetting it would be to me, (she knows she has a Mother Bear!) and it can be embarassing to feel as if you're reliving the bad experience. Some kids may feel their Caucasian parents won't understand. These are all reasons that support talking this all through as early as possible, so no one is caught completely off guard.

3. TALK ABOUT FAMILIES.
There are all different families in this world. And explain that while your family values and appreicate differences in culture and values, not all families do. Explain that "sometimes people are afraid of things they think are different. They may say or do things that are hurtful because they are afraid. Isn't that sad?" and reinforce that differences are good. "Our family is different and it's wonderful. I am so glad our family isn't afraid of people or things that look different."

4. DON'T BE TOO DIRECT.
Sometimes asking a child directly if they've experienced racism puts them on the defensive and shuts down further conversation. Instead, find ways to incorporate it gently into other discussions, whether a news story or something in your community, and say "I hope if something like this ever happens to you or someone you know, you will talk with me about it right away. I may not know exactly how you feel, but together we can figure out the best way to handle it." If your kids are like mine, they'll groan and say, "I know, Mom!" but it's just another reminder that the door for conversation - of any kind - is always open.

5. And as always...BECOME AN ADVOCATE!
Even if you haven't experienced racism yourself, becoming an advocate and educating those around you, especially in your community, will only help diffuse future issues and increase awareness. Being excluded on any level is never easy, but it's especially tough for transracial adoptees, who may begin to wonder where they belong. Do your homework, educate yourself, and become a credible resource. Help your child understand that, no matter what is said on the playground, her place in the world is assured. Reassure her that she is loved and safe with you, and help her grow into a confident young adult who, instead of being defeated by racism, sees it for what it is and knows how to live above it.

It's FEBRUARY! Black History Month!

2011-02-20T14:57:00.000-07:00

Black History Month is an annual celebration of achievements by black Americans and a time for recognizing the central role of African Americans in U.S. history. The event grew out of “Negro History Week,” the brainchild of noted historian Carter G. Woodson and other prominent African Americans. Since 1976, every U.S. president has officially designated the month of February as Black History Month. Other countries around the world, including Canada and the United Kingdom, also devote a month to celebrating black history.

*The following is an interview with Dr. James A. Banks, a professor of education and director of the Center for Multicultural Education at the University of Washington, Seattle, and author of Educating Citizens in a Multicultural Society.

First of all....What is Multiculturalism?

Q: What is multicultural education?
A: There are many definitions for and misconceptions about multicultural education. One approach is to think about it in terms of "creating responsible citizens." Look at the U.S. today. Demographics prove that it's changing. Census Bureau statistics show that we're experiencing massive immigrations, the biggest since the turn of the century. Most of these people are coming from Asia and Latin America. The Bureau predicts that by 2050, nearly one half of the U.S. population will be people of color. In order to live in unity, we must rethink our idea of America.

What makes a person German in Germany, or Japanese in Japan, is blood. What makes a person American is a set of ideals. We must continue to be a people of ideals, a land welcoming all ethnic groups. This means seeing things from other perspectives in order to tell students the whole story of our nation's history. What, for instance, is a "pioneer" to a Lakota-Sioux? What does "Westward expansion" mean to Mexican Americans and Alaskans? We must teach our students to know, to care, and to act responsibly by introducing them to many perspectives.

Q: Some say that multiculturalism isn't an issue in their schools because they don't have any students of color or students who speak other languages in their communities. What would you tell them?
A: When people say they don't have cultural issues in their communities, they're usually defining "culture" in a narrow sense, thinking of ethnic or language differences. Some issues are just less visible. For instance, people have strong differences of opinion in politics and religion. There are prejudices against some white ethnic groups. One of my neighbors is Polish American. She told her children not to tell anyone at school that they were part Polish because she didn't want them to be teased. I can't exactly say to my kids, "Now, don't tell anyone at school you're black!" These hidden diversities can be a springboard for people to think about the need for multicultural acceptance.

Q: What can parents do to prepare their children for the U.S. of the 21st century?
A: They can certainly be active in parent groups such as the PTA to keep these issues alive. But they need to begin in their own homes. When they buy dolls and books and toys, they should keep diversity in mind. They should take the time to know people of other races and ethnic groups as individuals to avoid stereotyping. They can take their children to films that accurately deal with racial issues such as Rosewood, to museums, and to concerts where they can learn about and appreciate the styles of other cultures. They should also re-evaluate their own attitudes and work through any stereotypes and prejudices they may harbor.

Most people take pride in their heritage, and this is important. But to function effectively in the new century, we must reach beyond our cultural borders and work to create moral and just communities that foster the common good.
**Adapted from an article by Lynn O'Brien

Planning for Parenthood

2011-02-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I was sitting in the cafeteria of our local hospital when people began streaming through the hallway. Couples, mostly, and most of them carrying two pillows. And all the women were pregnant. Looked pretty obvious that childbirth class was about to begin.

Childbirth class is an essential part of preparing for the birth of a child, not only for the labor and delivery skills, but also for the unity that develops within expecting families. Couples learn what to expect during labor and delivery, then from their newborns and how to care for them. Great stuff.

In contrast, I remember a time I was invited to speak to a group of parents waiting for their first adoptive placement. At 7 p.m., the husbands and wives arrived -some separately-many clutching notebooks and binders - not pillows. There was nothing physical to convey the message: I'm about to become a parent.

Pregnancy is a time for growing a baby and a time of transition and preparations for parents. The mother's body conveys urgency in making the plan for maternity leave, the nursery, and learning how to care for a baby. To everyone around her, it invites discussion thereby acknowledging that her life role is about to change - a lot. Pregnancy slows down the mother's life. She needs more sleep, and her body makes it difficult to continue an active lifestyle. It readies her for the time after the baby's birth, when her life will be centered around an infant who needs almost constant care.

When I was waiting to adopt our first child, I didn't want to slow down. If I slowed down, I had time to think about a process that was out of my control. I was surprised - and excited - when a friend pulled into my driveway one day with a crib in the back of her Suburban. "It's time to get the nursery ready! Let's go!" I wasn't quite ready to get the nursery ready. For one, I already had a 10 month old I was chasing. And I was so nervous - typical first time adoptive mom. I was afraid our birthmom would change her mind. Or not show up. And an empty crib would just serve as a reminder of the uncertain process that is adoption.

But that crib forced me to start thinking about the transition our family was in. Getting physically ready for the baby forced us to get emotionally ready, too. It might seem that emotional readiness is the last thing an adoptive parent needs to worry about. Haven't we longed for this child for years? Havent we jumped through all the hoops of paperwork, home studies, profiles, conference calls, financing, etc.? However, for some, the years of infertility and waiting for placement have causes some to put up a wall against further disappointment. After a setback, it's difficult to believe we will ever be parents, so we delay readying ourselves for that new life. It may take a leap of faith to overcome these obstacles, but it is important to begin. So make the jump! Get ready!

Get Ready!
While waiting, adoptive parents can follow the lead of pregnant women (and their partners) in getting ready for a new child. You can slow down your lives and take a look at any unhealthy patterns that you may want to change. Find opportunities in the communitiy to learn the nuts and bolts of baby care. Enroll in a childbirth class anyway - just for that reason. If you're uncomfortable in that setting, some adoption agencies run their own child care classes just for waiting adoptive parents. (just call Heart to Heart and request one!) Another option is to take a community college course on infant and child development

Get Comfortable!
The waiting period is also a good time to become familiar with adoption issues and to discuss how to talk about adoption with your child and with people outside your family. Think about how birthparents might be addressed or included in your child's life. Consider carefully how information about your child's background will be discussed with him, and when.

As you think about these issues, you may discover that some parts of your child's adoption story seem distressing. You may find you have intense emotional reactions to imagined scenarios. Rather than saying, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it," now is the time to explore the center of those feelings.

Adoptive parents often have many issues to resolve. They may not have even realized they were there - til it starts getting "real". There is the loss/grief of the biological child they never got to have. There are questions about identity, sadness at the concern of not being able to nurture a child from conception, and fear about whether the relationship with an adopted child will be a fulfilling one. And it's okay. Parents who acknowledge these issues and explore how to deal with them are in a better position to accept an adopted child as their own, to feel entitled to be their child's parents, and to honor their child's genetic influences and biological connections.I found it helpful - actually invaluable - to keep a journal during this time. Writing about my feelings - good or bad - helped me identify issues and work through them. And I was able to vent. Without judgment or fear. An adoptive parent support group can be a good place to share concerns and learn what to expect as you raise your child. This is also a time to shelve the "how-to-adopt" books and check out books about life as an adoptive family.
Get Talking!
Communication is the key. Cuples often find that their relationship is stressed by the demands of infertility treatments and/or the adoption process. It's easy to move from focusing all your energy on conceiving a baby to focusing it on adopting a baby, but we forget our marital - and other - relationships in the process. This is a time to nurture each other. Set up a weekly "date" and keep it. Talk about parenting styles, discipline, religion, education, and other family issues. Adoption applications don't always explore these questions.

Stay in touch with supportive friends. Get out and about a little. Pamper yourself...it won't last long! Communicate with family members and close friends about adoption. People who have not adopted sometimes make comments or ask questions that are insensitive. We have talked about it frequently on this blog. Review those postings. Let friends and family know how you intend to include your child's birthfamily in your life, how adopted children view extended family, and how they can be supportive. My husband and I explained to our friends and family that we would not be sharing details of our children's background and birthparents, because we feel strongly that our children have the exclusive right to reveal "their stories" when - and if - they choose to. We gave very general information about adoption and suggestions for explaining what was happening in our family to young children in the neighborhood and in our extended family, and then asked very plainly for their support and love, whether they agreed or understood - or not.

This is also a great time to start communication flowing toward the child. One couple asked family members to help them build an album of photos and memories that would become a treasured keepsake for their new child. We asked some of our dear friends to write a page about the day our babies were born; what they remembered or knew of birthmom, when they got the call from us that our baby was here, the first time they saw/held our little bundle, etc. I know of another waiting mom who kept herself busy and happy by making a keepsake quilt for her daughter with help from friends and family.

The waiting time seems to go on forever, but just keep your eye on the prize. Your child is certainly worth the wait!

Heartfelt Words...

2011-02-06T10:55:00.001-07:00

Adoption is my favorite subject. Be careful asking me any questions on adoption, because I will answer. As adoptive parents, we all have a story to tell. Maybe it's the day we were matched with birthmom. Maybe it's the call to get on the plane. Maybe it's a birthmother's broken promise and the subsequent heartbreak. Maybe it's the first time we finally held our baby, and the fierce jet lag seemed to evaporate instantly. Maybe it's the feeling we finally had that our family is complete.

Yet, as much as I love to tell (and re-tell) our stories of adoption, I love equally to hear others' stories of their adoption journies. Connecting with other adoptive parents allows us to laugh out loud, grieve a loss, have the "a-ha" moment of recognition and identifying on a personal level, or fight back tears as we reflect on the many different, yet similar, roller coaster rides through the adoption process.

Below you will find a list of wonderful books that share many different aspects and stories of adoption. But I'm also interested in yours. We gain strength and perspective as we share stories of adoption with each other. Send me yours! Reply via comment to this post and we can enjoy hearing and connecting as adoptive families through our very individual yet similar stories. Get typing, people!

Good reads in the meantime....

“Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother,” by Jana Wolff
A fiercely honest look at the emotional complexities of the adoption process.
“Pre-Parenthood,” by Jeanne Marie Laskas
It's home study day and I'm not perfect yet.
“Intimate Strangers,” by Jacquelyn Mitchard
She was going to have a child but couldn't keep it, I wanted a child desperately but couldn't have one. She was the mother at birth; I was the mother right after. It sounded simple, but it wasn't.
“An Unexpected Family,” by Bob Shacochis
For eight years, my wife and I watched our chances of having a baby evaporate. Then our eleven-year-old niece came to live with us, bringing with her a bittersweet deliverance.
“How Does She Do It?,” by Laura Broadwell
Yes, solo parenting is hard work. But the freedom's good, too.
“Guarding Tess: A Father's Story,” by Timothy S. McCarty
I learned that the ultimate gift of love comes not from the receiver, but from the giver.
“Changing My Name to Mom,’” by Annie Kassof
As she prepares for the adoption of her third child, the author knows it is not just she who must be ready, but also the 9-year-old girl she's fallen in love with.
“We've Always Done It That Way” by Rose Godfrey
The uncharted journey of our first Christmas together etched a road of heart-warming traditions.
“Ready-To-Parent,” by Joe Mills
The "Daddy Moment" hits in the middle of the baby emporium.
“The Perfect Season of the Heart,” by Robert Klose
A father and son find that, in the face of catastrophe, despair, and death, the antidote is life.
“Old Bones,” by Eliza Thomas
I've reached a point in life where both my young daughter and my aging mother depend on me. Can I afford to be fragile?
“Raising California,” by Nelson Handel
Families are forming in all sorts of ways, in a rainbow of colors, and my son is growing up right in the middle of all of it.
“Grace Notes,” by Carrie Howard
When I vowed that my child would get as many bedtime songs as she wanted, I hadn't counted on this particular child's determination.

Happy reading - and writing!

Simple Ways to Boost Self Esteem in Children

2011-01-31T16:28:00.000-07:00

Nurturing a child's self-esteem seems like a hefty responsibility. And it is. "Self-esteem comes from having a sense of belonging, believing that we're capable, and knowing our contributions are valued and worthwhile," says California family therapist Jane Nelsen, co-author of the Positive Discipline series.

"As any parent knows, self-esteem is a fleeting experience," says Nelsen. "Sometimes we feel good about ourselves and sometimes we don't. What we're really trying to teach our kids are life skills like resiliency." The goal of a parent is usually to ensure that your child develops pride and self-respect — in himself and in his cultural roots — as well as faith in his ability to handle life's challenges. Here are some simple strategies to help boost your child's self-esteem:

Give unconditional love. A child's self-esteem flourishes with the kind of no-strings-attached devotion that says, "I love you - no matter what. No matter who you are or what you do, I still love you." Your child benefits the most when you accept him for who he is regardless of his strengths, difficulties, temperament, or abilities. So go ahead - lavish him with love! Lots of cuddles, kisses, and pats on the shoulder. And don't forget to tell him how much you love him. When you do have to correct your child, make it clear that it's his behavior — not him — that's unacceptable. For instance, instead of saying, "You're so naughty! Why can't you be a good boy?" say, "Shoving Ian isn't nice. It hurts. Please don't shove."

Pay attention. Find time to give each child some undivided attention. It does wonders for your child's self-worth because it sends the message that you feel he's important and valuable. It doesn't take a lot of time; just take a moment to stop flicking through the mail if he's trying to talk with you, or put down the cell phone long enough to answer a question. Eye contact - at his level -makes it clear that you're truly listening to what he says. When you're strapped for time, let your child know it without ignoring his needs. Say, "Tell me all about the picture you drew, and then when you're finished, I'll need to make our dinner."

Teach limits. Establish a few reasonable, age appropriate rules for your child. For instance, if you tell your child he has to eat his snack in the kitchen, don't let him wander around the family room with his crackers and fruit the next day. Knowing that certain family rules are set in stone will help him feel more secure. It may take constant repetition on your part, but he'll start to live by your expectations soon enough. Just be clear and consistent and show him that you trust him to do the right thing.

Support healthy risks. Encourage your child to explore something new! Simple things, like trying a different food, finding a new best pal, or attempting new roller blades. There's always the possibility of failure, but without risk there's little opportunity for success. So let your child safely experiment, and resist the urge to intervene. Try not to "rescue" him if he's showing frustration at figuring out a new toy. Even jumping in to say, "I'll do it" can foster dependence and diminish your child's confidence. You'll build his self-esteem by balancing your need to protect him with his need to tackle new tasks - on his own. Which leads us to our next topic...

Let mistakes happen. Having choices and taking risks means that sometimes your child is bound to make mistakes. What valuable lessons for your child's confidence! So if your child puts his plate too close to the edge of the table and it tips, encourage him to think about what he might do differently next time. And those rare moments when you goof up yourself, own it!Acknowledging and recovering from your mistakes sends a powerful message to your child — it makes it easier for your child to accept his own shortcomings.

Celebrate the positive. We all respond well to encouragement, so make an effort to acknowledge the good things your child does every day within his earshot. For instance, tell his dad, "Jason washed all the vegetables for dinner." He'll get to bask in the glow of your praise and his dad's heartening response. And be specific. Instead of saying "Good job," say, "Thank you for waiting so patiently in line." This will enhance his sense of accomplishment and self-worth - by letting him know exactly what he did right.

Listen well. If your child needs to talk, stop and listen to what he has to say. This one is so big. He needs to know that his thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions matter. Help him get comfortable with his feelings by labeling them. Say, "I understand you're sad because you have to say bye to your soccer friends." By accepting his emotions without judgment, you validate his feelings and show that you value what he has to say. If you share your own feelings ("I'm excited about going to the zoo"), he'll gain confidence expressing his own.

Resist comparisons. Comments such as "Why can't you be more like your sister?" or "Why can't you be nice like Peter?" will just remind your child of where he struggles in a way that fosters shame, envy, and competition. Even positive comparisons, such as "You're the best player" are potentially damaging because a child can find it hard to live up to this image. If you let your child know you appreciate him for the unique individual he is, he'll be more likely to value himself too.

Offer empathy. If your child compares himself unfavorably to his siblings or friends ("Why can't I catch the ball like Sadie?"), show him empathy and then emphasize one of his strengths. For instance, say, "You're right. Sadie is good at catching. And you're good at painting pictures." This can help your child learn that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and that he doesn't have to be perfect to feel good about himself.

Provide encouragement. Every child needs the kind of support from loved ones that signals, "I believe in you. I see your effort. Keep going!" Encouragement means acknowledging progress — not just rewarding achievement. So if your preschooler is struggling to fasten his snaps, say, "You're trying very hard and you almost have it!" instead of, "Not like that. Let me do it."

There's a difference between praise and encouragement. One rewards the task while the other rewards the person ("You did it!" rather than "I'm proud of you!"). Praise can make a child feel that he's only "good" if he does something perfectly. Encouragement, on the other hand, acknowledges the effort. "Tell me about your drawing. I see that you like really like yellow" is more helpful than saying, "That's the most beautiful picture Iin the world." Too much praise can sap self-esteem because it can create pressure to perform and set up a continual need for approval from others. So dole out the praise judiciously and offer encouragement liberally; it will your child grow up to feel good about himself.

Perfect!

2011-01-20T12:34:00.000-07:00

Ahh....two weeks into the new year, and I'm already well on my way to accomplishing every personal goal I set. And our family goals? Here's the thing: my personal goals and family goals are often the same. I just want to be a better parent today than I was the day before. So basically, every year my goal is to become the best parent I can. As I evaluate our goals...why, yes, we are all working together in love and harmony to achieve greatness. Everyone is well adjusted and appropriately expressing feelings and concerns as we head into 2011 stronger than ever. So, far...the year is perfect.

OK, that's a lie.

I actually can't find the paper I wrote my personal goals on, and the family goals? Well, let's just say, it's a work in progress. But the work hasn't started yet. But it will. Soon. I'm sure. As soon as I find the paper.

As adoptive parents, I think we often place undue pressure on ourselves to be perfect parents. I know I do. I look at my children and think, "They deserve the very best." And guess what? I'm not the very best. I'm not perfect - nor anything close. But I do my very best. Every single day, I wake up and try my hardest. Some days, my best is really good. And some days....it's not. Let's just say that there are days I lay in bed at night at marvel at the things I accomplished in the day. (OK not very often. But maybe once or twice.) And other days, everyone is in their pajamas (even though they'd never been out of pj's for the day), in their beds (in a messy room), with a full belly (of cereal), and headed off to dreamland. But that may have been my best for the day.

So, in my quest to be a perfect parent, guess what I'm realizing? It's never gonna happen. Nope. Perfection, I've learned, is a journey - not a destination. I take great comfort in the book, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson, PhD. There are a few paragraphs that stood out to me as we are mid way through the first month of the new year, that may help you put things into perspective, as it has me...

"I've yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other. Whenever we are attached to having something a certain way, better than it already is, we are, almost by definition, engaged in a losing battle. Rather than being content and grateful for what we have, we are focused on what's wrong with something and our need to fix it. When we are zeroed in on what's wrong, it implies that we are dissatisfied, discontent.

"Whether it's related to ourselves - a disorganized closet, a scratch on the car, an imperfect accomplishment, a few pounds we would like to lose - or someone else's "imperfections" - the way someone looks, behaves, our lives their life - the very act of focusing on imperfection pulls us away from our goal of being kind and gentle. This strategy has nothing to do with ceasing, to do your very best but with being overly attached and focused on what's wrong with life. It's about realizing that while there's always a better way to do something, this doesn't mean that you can't enjoy and appreciate the way things already are.

The solution here is to catch yourself when you fall into your habit of insisting that things should be other than they are. Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence of your judgment, everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for perfection in all areas of your life, you'll begin to discover the perfection in life itself."

So wait. Life is ok just how it is? It's OK to be content - even if it's not perfect?

Ahhh....sounds good to me.

The Wrell Mom

2011-01-04T17:24:00.007-07:00

Happy New Year! 2011!

And New Year's weekend, we had another "moment" in our family; specifically, my daughter, Meg, (age 9 and our first adoption) and me. And no one even knew - except Meg and me.

A few days after Christmas, we headed north, because apparently Salt Lake just wasn't cold enough for us. So we loaded up our 4 wheel drive sleigh (Suburban) and sled (trailer) with hats, coats, gloves, long underwear, and ski gear for 9 of us. (That means: 18 gloves. 18 skis. 18 poles. 18 ski boots. You get the idea.)

We had a great time. Uninterrupted family time - just US. Skiing, eating, playing games, drinking lots of hot cocoa, reading, and spending time with Grandpa and Grandma. And just about every night we had a family movie night. Popcorn, treats, and lots of pillows and blankets. It was heaven. I love watching a family friendly movie snuggled up with my favorite people. My friendly family.

One night, the feature film was "Holes". I hadn't ever watched the movie in its entirety, but I read the book years ago when it first came out. Even if I had watched the movie before, start to finish, I'm not sure I would have been prepared for what happened at the end of the show. Because one of the final scenes will forever have a very different meaning and feeling for me.

The movie, in a nutshell, is centered around a group of young boys, who are sent separately to a labor camp - to dig holes - as punishment for different offenses. They start out not liking each other much, but thankfully, end up friends. One of the central characters is the youngest of all the boys, a beautiful brown skin little boy, who is taken away from his mother, and doesn't know what has become of her. He is so deeply hurt and afraid, he rarely speaks and is given the nickname Zero. "Because you know what's goin' on in that head of his? Nuthin'! Zero!" At least that's how the mean man who is one of the leaders describes it. But we learn quickly that Zero is a sweet, sensitive little boy who we, the audience, come to adore and desire to protect as the underdog.

At the end of the movie, Zero and his best friend, Caveman, expose the corruption of the labor camp and its wicked leaders. The boys are heroes instantly - and get money, too. With his newly acquired funds, Zero is able to find his mother and buy her a bus pass to come to him. Zero is all cleaned up and his anxious eyes light up the minute he sees her getting off the bus. She is beautiful and poised and they run to each other in slow motion and hug for a long time. Long enough for me to look at Meg, who was sitting next to me on the couch.

She had big crocodile tears in her eyes. And then it hit me: this is her dream at age 9; to have her beautiful birth mother, T, come off a bus in slow motion and scoop her up in her arms and live happily ever after.

I tried to hold her hand, but she pulled it away. My heart sank, then my eyes welled up with tears, too. But when Meg pulled her hand away, she looked up at me with obvious concern. She didn't want to hold my hand right then, but she didn't want to hurt my feelings, either. I mouthed the word, "Someday" to her. She knows that "someday" she may get to meet T.

Then Meg snuggled into me and said, "I'm fine, Mom."

I believe Meg is fine. She knows she belongs in our family. She fills a place that is hers and no one elses. She knows she is loved and adored more than words can express. And I know she loves us. But every day she is processing new emotions and feelings and realities of her adoption as she grows and matures.

Now, during that scene, I admit that for just a moment, I wanted to "call Disney" - just someone there - and scream for one minute. "When you make your multi-million dollar movies, why can't you be more sensitive to children who may wish for that dreamy reunion that's never going to happen?" OK, maybe "never" is a strong word, but let's be honest: adoptee/birthparent reunions don't happen very often - and when they do, they aren't always positive, much less dreamy.

I also realized how many of these seemingly minor scenes in movies or books are not minor to children who are trying to process adoption. And no matter how loving the placement is, it is still a rejection by the key person in their little life: mom. Birth mom. She had to "reject" before she could lovingly place. And I think that at some level, every adopted child wonders about their birth mother. They think about her. If there aren't photos available, they imagine how beautiful she is. And wonder if she misses her baby. Or what her house looks like. They wonder if she likes to ride bikes. Or maybe she's a really good water skier. And she probably makes the best chocolate cake in the world. With an apron on.

Recently, Meg has asked more and more questions about her birthmother, T. It seems to come up at bedtime, when we snuggle for a bit before she goes to sleep. She has asked, "Mom, why am I adopted?" and "Mom, where do you think T works?" Or just yesterday after school, Meg was eating peaches and said, "Did my birth mom like peaches, too?" Yes. She loved them. Just like Meg. We are also more free in our discussion of T. We talk a lot about her dry sense of humor. We talk about the foods she cooked well - and the ones she didn't. One of our Thanksgiving traditions is that each child chooses a side dish for the feast - anything they want. This year, Meg chose corn bread. Because she knows how much her birthmother loved cornbread. It made me smile.

So a few weeks ago, when Meg came home from school for Christmas break, she had her hand made gift - made in class - lovingly wrapped in construction paper. And neatly printed on the tag, it said:

"To: T From: Meg. I love you."

I told Meg how thoughtful it is of her to want to give it to T. I told her we'd mail it someday if we get an address for her birth mom. (hers is a closed adoption) But for now, the package is tucked in the cupboard - and will be until Meg says otherwise.

A few days before Christmas, I found a note under my pillow that said:

"dere my wrell mom

i love you so mouch too the mone. thenk you for beying my beste mom.

love meg"

(Translation:
"Dear My Real Mom,

I love you so much to the moon. Thank you for being my best mom.

Love,

Meg")

I cried just a little - in the good way. Because Meg knows who her "wrell mom" is. And it's me. But that doesn't take away from the thoughts and feelings she has for T. It hurts my heart to think of her daydreaming now and then, or laying in bed at night, ready for sleep, thinking about T. It must feel pretty lonely at times for a 9 year old who is trying to understand something she can't quite understand.

Still, I am secure enough in my love for Meg and her love for me to 'let' her have those thoughts. I don't control her thoughts, and don't want to, but I do want her to feel safe to think about it - then talk it over with me when she's ready. Maybe she will have a dream-like reunion with T - "someday". Maybe she won't. But either way, she is my daughter and nothing will ever change that. And nothing - nothing - will change my love for her. Ever. And I make sure she knows that - every single day.

So maybe I'll "call Disney" anyway - and thank them - because it was yet another teaching moment that happened right in the middle of every day living. But I'll never watch that scene in "Holes" without thinking of Meg's tear-filled eyes. I'll also think about her snuggling right up to me - her "wrell mom". Yep, just me snuggling my wrell daughter.

I'm one lucky mom.

**since this post earlier this week, I have had several people ask for the link to a post earlier this year that discussed Meg's initial questions about her adoption...so here it is:
http://hearttoheartadoptions.blogspot.com/2010/06/shout-out-to-fathers-everywhere.html

8 WAYS TO CELEBRATE National Adoption Month

2010-11-06T10:05:00.000-06:00

Looking for ways to celebrate the wonderful month of November (besides an overdose of turkey & stuffing)? CELEBRATE ADOPTION MONTH!

According to the North American Council on Adoptable Children, "The primary purpose of Adoption Month is to raise awareness about adoption, adoptive families, and children who need adoptive
homes. If done well, awareness raising efforts represent adoptive families in a positive manner."

There are many ways to promotie adoption. Some take little thought or planning; some take more, but it's easier than you think. Don't let November pass without doing something to acknowledge the importance of adoption in your life. Here are eight, great ideas:

1. INTRODUCE THE SUBJECT OF ADOPTION AT YOUR CHILD'S SCHOOL OR DAY CARE
Go to your child's classroom and read your favorite book about adoption. Donate books about adoption to the library. Talk with your child's teacher about adoption friendly projects and provide the teacher with adoption resources.

2. SEEK MEDIA ATTENTION
OK, be careful here. No, don't head down to the news station with a sandwich board or lurk at the newspaper office building. But consider writing a letter to the editor of your local paper explaining the positive ways adoption has affected your life, and even offering resources for further information.  Ask your local TV station to run adoption related stories. By law, broadcast media must devote time and resources to various sorts of public service announcements. (This one requires some planning ahead. Contact the station's public affairs department, and maybe next November they'll have things in place to run adoption announcements.)

3. SPREAD THE WORD
One family has made a tradition of sending out a different pin every year to friends and relatives with a note that says, "Help us celebrate Adoption Month by wearing this pin to increase awareness of adoption."  Other parents have worn buttons with photos of their children and offered to speak about adoption at the their workplace, church, or another community venue.

4. CONTACT LIBRARIES & BOOKSTORES
Ask them to feature November as Adoption Month. During their story times for children, ask that they include age appropriate books about adoption. And "Adoption Hour" would be a great way to introduce adoption in a positive way to other children in the community.

5. REMEMBER THOSE WHO HELPED WITH YOUR ADOPTION
Send a photo and letter with an update and expression of gratitude to those involved with your adoption. Send a card to the Social Worker who did your home study. Send a note to the hospital where your child was born. Make a contribution to the agency or orphanage that handled your adoption. Send a special card to your child's birthparents. Volunteer some time at an adoption related charity.

6. INVOLVE YOUR FAITH COMMUNITY
Start thinking of families in your church or parish who have been touched by adoption. Have dinner together to celebrate each other's miracles!

7. START A LIFE BOOK FOR YOUR CHILD OR UPDATE YOUR CHILD'S LIFE BOOK
A Life Book tells a child's life story - through their eyes. Beth O'Malley, author of the book "Life Books: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child", has said that a LifeBook creates a record expressed through words, photos, graphics, the child's artwork, and memorabilia. It honors every minute of the child's life. A true treasure!

8. INCORPORATE ADOPTION INTO YOUR EVERY DAY LIFE.
Talk positively about adoption on a regular basis. Include your child's birthparents in prayers, when appropriate. As always, reading stories is a great way to communicate suject matter in an age appropriate format.   "Little Miss Spider" (by David Kirk) has become a favorite in our home...  It tells the story of a spider looking for a mother that looks like her, until she realizes a beetle named Betty, who "loves her best", yet looks nothing like her, is her 'real' mother.

Whether you read an adoption story in your home or at your school, start an adoption hour, or launch a media campaign, be sure you celebrate November as National Adoption Month. You - and your child - will be so glad you did!

NOVEMBER IS NATIONAL ADOPTION AWARENESS MONTH!

2010-10-31T17:39:00.000-06:00

Each November, since Gerald Ford was president, has been National Adoption Awareness Month. It begins Monday, November 1, with a Presidential Proclamation from President Obama, and while efforts made at the national level certainly build awareness, participation in your local events and even starting community events by those of us with a direct connection to adoption can often be the most effective way to promote positive perceptions, debunk myths, and draw attention to ADOPTION!

Celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month with a calendar found here:
http://www.adoption.com/national-adoption-awareness-month-2010/

Get out in your community and support - or start - some fun activities promoting adoption! And I find it quite fitting that Adoption Awareness Month coincides with the month we celebrate Thanksgiving. I'm so thankful for adoption in my life...aren't you?

Tips from the Trenches: Older Child Adoption

2010-10-22T12:39:00.000-06:00

At Heart to Heart, we place mostly infants and children under age one. Occasionally we place older children, which is a difficult situation for everyone involved. It is a highly emotional time with many dynamics involved.

Once the child is home with his new family, real life begins pretty quick. Sometimes traditional parenting methods aren't effective. Here are some tips that may help your transition. And as always - if you're living life with the challenges of an older child adoption - give us your input!

Be flexible with expectations - of everyone. One mother tells that once her 3 year old adopted son was in his new home, he did not seem to understand logical consequences. He was so used to being uncomfortable; cold, hungry, sick, or even hurt, that she had to help him identify what his body was experiencing. "I had to tell him 'you're cold, let's get your jacket and put it on..." and then help him physically put it on. She had to give him the words to help him express what he was feeling.
Try looking at the world through your child's eyes. This is always good, in every adoption situation, whether you adopt an older child, or whether you face certain challenges as your child grows and matures and begins to process adoption. But when you adopt an older child, imagine being taken from what you know (no matter how good or bad), to a new home with people who are strangers. When you look at life through their eyes, sometimes behaviors make more sense, and we deal differently with situations as we parent.

Don't sweat the small stuff! Yes, another good life lesson...but especially with older child adoption. Pick your battles wisely. A child who is grieving over the loss of familiar people and surroundings may not respond well when you, as the parent, make an issue over mismatched clothing or brushing teeth.
Give your child the childhood he never had. Immediately meeting the need of a child will not "spoil" a child who never knew the joy of being nurtured in infancy. It may seem strange for a child who seems larger and competent asking to be carried, or being upset when the request for food isn't met promptly, but you don't have to parent the child now - these first few weeks as a new family - the way you hope to when he's a teenager.

Be patient. Be patient. Be patient. It will take some time - maybe a lot of time - for your child to really feel part of this new family. It takes time for him to accept the adoption. This doesn't always mean years of disruptive behavior, but it may take a long time for him to be secure that he truly belongs.

These are just a few ideas for you amazing families who adopt older children. Some great books on the subject include:

Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older Child by Trish Maskew
Attaching in Adoption by Deborah D. Gray
Parenting Your Adopted Older Child by Brenda McCreight
Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Peck and Regina M. Kupecky

Stay the course, hang in there, and take a break now and then. Parenting an adopted older child is challenging. But worth it.

Tell Me A Story!

2010-10-14T15:41:00.000-06:00

Every child loves a story. And every child loves their story. Creating a personalized story for your preschool age child can boost self esteem and cement his sense of belonging in the family. Luckily, children this age are not really interested in the whole story. They don’t yet have the ability to understand homestudies, paperwork, or infertility. What our children want to hear is what they looked like, how they behaved, how you got there, and other simple, concrete details.

A good approach - especially if you don't have every detail - is to the basics* (*page prompts below) Start by sharing where you were and what you were doing when you first heard about your child, and the trip you took to meet her. Describe how big (or small) your child was, how much hair she had, what she did when you first saw each other, how she fell asleep in your arms. Your child will want to know about the first foods you fed her, the trip home, and who was waiting to meet her.

Personal storybooks don’t have to be fancy, although you can be as creative as you wish. You can illustrate your tale with scans or copies of family photos, pictures cut from magazines (airplanes, hospitals, schools, and images that relate to your child’s city or country of birth), or simple stick-figure drawings. Our children are not looking for artistic masterpieces. Any drawing that they can recognize will work. Even if it's their own drawing that may be only distinguishable to them!

After you’ve written the text and pasted in the pictures, laminate the finished pages with contact paper to make it more durable for little hands. Your child will want to handle and read it over and over again. And remember, don’t change a single word—he’ll notice every time!

*PAGE PROMPTS

When did you get a phone call? What was the season? Where were you? “It was the middle of summer in Phoenix and very hot. Mommy was at work when Rachel called to say a wonderful little girl was waiting for us to come and bring her home.”

(Illustrate with a picture of a sunny day and a woman talking on the phone.)

What did you do next?
“We called Grandma and Grandpa and all our friends to tell them about you.”

(A photo of smiling grandparents or a group of excited friends will send the happy message loud and clear!)

Where did you go to meet your me? How did you get there?
“We flew out the next morning to [the city] and met you and your birthmom at the hospital” or “We drove all night to [the city], where you were waiting for us.”

(Pictures of airplanes or cars—and a happy baby or child—work well here.)

Get creative! Have fun! This will be the favorite storybook ever - for both of you.

Fact or Fiction?

2010-10-08T02:03:00.000-06:00

8 ADOPTION MYTHS ... and the facts too!

There are very few babies being placed for adoption. 20,000 babies or more are placed each year - as many or more as international adoptions yearly.

Birthparents are all troubled teens. Most birthparents today are over age 18 but lack resources to care for a child. It is generally with courage and love for their child that they terminate their parental rights.

Adoption is outrageously expensive and out of reach for most families. Adoption is often no more expensive than giving birth. Costs to adopt are lowered even more through the Adoption Tax Credit as well as benefits many companies offer their employees.

It takes years to complete an adoption. The average time span for an adoption is about two years - and usually less than that when adopting transracially - most less than a year.
Birthparents can show up at any time to reclaim their child. Once an adoption is finalized, the adoptive family is legally recognized as the child's family. Despite the publicity surrounding a few high profile cases, post adoption recovations are extremely rare.
Adopted children are more likely to be troubled than biological children. Research shows than adoptees are as well adjusted as their non adopted peers. There is virtually no difference in psychological functioning between them.
Open adoption causes problems for children. Adoptees are not confused by appropriate contact with their birthparents; in fact, they benefit from the increased understanding that their birthparents gave them life, but their 'forever families' nurture and take care of them.

And finally....

8. Parents can't love an adopted child as much as they would a biological child. Love and attachment are not a result of - nor guaranteed by - biology. The intensity of bonding and depth of emotion are the same, regardless of how the child joined the family.

So put those myths away and start living and sharing the joys of adoption!

Birthfather Laws Explained by Donna, Director of Heart to Heart

2010-09-29T11:20:00.000-06:00

Many of us have been following the case in the news of the Virginia unmarried biological father who is attempting to gain custody of his child that was placed for adoption with a Utah family. The biological mother was from Virginia and came to Utah where she give birth to the child and placed through a local adoption agency.

This case has again raised the question, are Utah laws too stringent on unmarried biological fathers?

In this article I would like to briefly review the Utah law, then invite you to share with us your thoughts about this law. As an agency, we are an active part of the Utah Adoption Council that helps in writing the adoption law, so please give your comments.

The intent of the law is described in the Utah Adoption Act found in the Utah Code 78B-6 is stated as follows:

“It is the intent and desire of the Legislature that in every adoption the best interest of the child should govern and be of foremost concern…” 78B-6-102 (1)

This is the charge of a child placing agency as well as the courts, “to act in the best interest of the child.” This is a weighty responsibility as it is not always evident what is in the best interest of each child. To try and clarify this charge the Utah Adoption Act states in 78B-6-102 (5) (a-f) that:

a. The state has a compelling interest in providing stable and permanent homes for adoptive children in a prompt manner, in preventing the disruption of adoptive placements and in holding parents accountable for meeting the needs of children;

b. An unmarried mother, faced with the responsibility of making crucial decisions about the future of a newborn child, is entitled to privacy, and has the right to make timely and appropriate decisions regarding her future and the future of the child, and is entitled to assurance regarding the permanence of an adoptive placement;

c. Adoptive children have a right to permanence and stability in adoptive placements;

d. Adoptive parents have a constitutionally protected liberty and privacy interest in retaining custody of an adopted child;

e. An unmarried biological father has an inchoate interest that acquires constitutional protection only when he demonstrates a timely and full commitment to the responsibilities of parenthood, both during pregnancy and upon the child’s birth; and

f. The state has a compelling interest in requiring unmarried biological fathers to demonstrate commitment by providing appropriate medical care and financial support and by establishing legal paternity in accordance with the requirements of [the] chapter.”

So basically, it is the responsibility of the unmarried biological father to take action in maintaining his right to have a say in what happens to the child.

The statute further explains in 78B-6-121(3) that a biological father can have the right to give or withhold his consent to the adoption if he does the following: files in a district court of Utah that he is fully able and willing to have full custody of the child; sets forth his plans for the care of the child; agrees to a court order of child support and the payment of expenses incurred in connection with the mother’s pregnancy and child’s birth; offered to pay and paid a fair and reasonable amount of the expenses incurred in connection with the mother’s pregnancy and the child’s birth, in accordance with his financial ability, unless, he did not have actual knowledge of the pregnancy, was prevented from paying the expenses, or the mother refused to accept his offer to pay.

The unmarried biological father needs to do this in a timely manner, i.e. prior to the birthmother relinquishing her rights or 20 days after the day that the unmarried biological father knew, or through the exercise of reasonable diligence should have known that the child or child’s mother were in Utah, intended to give birth or the child had been born in Utah, or the mother intended to place the child for adoption under the laws of the Utah. 78B-6-122(1)(a)

In summary: The unmarried biological father needs to file with the Utah Paternity Registry and the court that he wants and is able to care for the child. He needs to indicate that he has helped or has been willing to help care for the mother and child according to his abilities. And he needs to exercise reasonable diligence to learn what is going on with the mother and take action in a timely manner. All of this is to “demonstrates a timely and full commitment to the responsibilities of parenthood, both during pregnancy and upon the child’s birth.”

I recognize this is a very brief and somewhat incomplete synopsis of the law, but I hope conveys the essence of what the law requires. It is our experience as an agency that balancing the sometimes conflicting interests of the adoptive family, biological mother and biological father is challenging. Ultimately, we and the courts try to act in what is perceived as the best interest of the child as outlined above. A biological father who demonstrates his commitment to parenthood can and should have a right to the child. Unfortunately, we find that this is rarely the case in the situations we work with. As a rule, if the biological father were involved and committed to the biological mother and the child, that mother would generally not find herself in the position to place the child for adoption. But as indicated earlier, “faced with the crucial decisions about the future of a newborn child,” we feel she “is entitled to privacy, and has the right to make timely and appropriate decisions regarding her future and the future of the child, and is entitled to assurance regarding the permanence of an adoptive placement”.

There may be exceptions, of course, as there may be unmarried biological fathers that are willing and able to take on the responsibilities of parenthood but, for whatever reasons, are prevented from doing so. The intent of the law is to balance his rights with the needs and rights of the adoptive family, biological mother and ultimately the child.

Things Parents Wish They'd Known Before The Adoption Process

2010-09-21T15:50:00.002-06:00

If you're one of the millions of adoptive families who has started and completed an adoption, you know that like most things in life, hindsight is 20/20. Usually. But what are some of the things most adoptive parents wish they'd known before or during the adoption process?

Adoptions take time. Some take a short time, some take a long time.

The first thing most parents say is..."How long will it take?" And what's the answer? We don't know.

That's a rough one, isn't it? But truthfully, each adoption situation is very different and there is no set timeline. Some adoptions are very quick, some take much longer. Most of the time, however, adoptive parents at Heart to Heart do not have the full 9 months to prepare that biological parents get. There is no such thing as a "typical adoption", so part of the preparation process is being ready - and willing - to jump when the situation presents itself.

Adoption is a roller coaster!
The adoption process is difficult, yet rewarding. There are many ups and downs, and most are out of your control. But adoptive parents must be thorough and diligent with what they are asked to do (and let's be honest - sometimes it feels redundant and excessive!), and then be willing to let the process unfold in its own timetable. In other words...there are just some things you can't control. But part of the great strength of adoptive parents is the realization that things do work out, one way or another, the way they are supposed to.

Get support from others who have adopted!
Talk with other families and couples who have been through the process before. We gain strength by sharing experiences. And while no two adoptions are alike, the processes can be similar. And it's always nice to know you're not alone!

Don't be afraid to clearly state your family's preferences.
Don't ever feel that because you're adopting a child, you don't have the right to state your needs. So many prospective adoptive couples seem to feel guilty or sheepish when they are asked to state what they are - and are not - willing and able to deal with. Take time, think it over, and then state what will and will not work for your family; race, age, special needs, etc. No one lives the rest of your life but you, so it is imperative to make the best possible decisions that impact your lives forever.

Ask every question you have.

Never be afraid to ask a question - ever! The experienced adoption professionals at Heart to Heart know how difficult it is to sort through all the information, especially the challenges of transracial adoption -and we are here to help you! Our purpose is to create loving families and we

are here to educate, help, and support you along the way.

Expect the unexpected!

Enough said. Things happen along the way - it's the nature of the adoption world. Being positive, flexible, and constantly communicating with the agency are the best ways to help create a smooth adoption experience.

Now all of you experienced adoptive families, what are some of the things you wish you'd known before you began this adventure?

Back to School.....GO TEAM!

2010-09-11T22:53:00.000-06:00

Fall is in the air & kids are back in school.

Hurray!

Every morning at juuuust about 8:55, the quiet throughout my home is a welcome respite from the chaos and confusion that precedes it.

But what I also know is that when my household is quiet during the day for 9 months of the year, it means I have made the shift from those lazy days of summer to once again being part of a team whose goal is to educate my children. And I am finding that I much prefer the team approach to this teacher/parent/child relationship; we all want the best for our children, so we have to work together to accomplish it. But I have wondered...

Do cultural influences affect education?

Yes. A child's culture and background experiences are critical to learning.

We all like to think that we are color blind - and "culture blind", if you will. Many people mistakenly believe that "culture" is only possessed by those coming from faraway, exotic, foreign countries. Many in this great U.S. of A. believe that they are "just normal Americans", and may find it difficult to consider that there may be more than one shared culture in our society.

Each of us bring different values, beliefs, and assumptions about child rearing and child development. Naturally, conflicts or differences in opinion may arise around what we feel is best for our child, what experiences we want for them, and what our expectations are. Learning how to recognize the other's point of view and coming to a shared solution is critical. It is important for families to establish supportive, respectful relationships with teachers. These connections and relationships help teachers learn about strengths, needs, and culture of their student - your child.

It is crucial that we help create a richly diverse and welcoming enviornment in the classroom and school as a whole. Research has shown that children who feel valued, welcomed, and positively challenged in their learning enviornment, and when new learning skills build upon their prior knowledge, experience, and interests, they are more successful academically.

Clear, consistent, and open communication with teachers and administrators will help them accept, understand, and effectively teach children in their care. What is happening in a child's home is important to their learning. Every home enviornment has its strengths and challenges. A teacher who tries to understand a child's home culture can look for ways to build on family strengths as a means to support learning; they are able to address the child's interests and build on the skills they already possess by identifying alternative and creative ways to promote learning.

But just as the teacher needs to understand your home life, you need to understand - and be part of - the classroom experience. A research study conducted by Morrow&Young* found that when parents were included/involved in classroom activities, when homework was assigned that required parental involvement, and when regular meetings with teachers, parents, and children were held, the literacy achievement of children increased. (*cited in Willis, 2000)

Understanding family dynamics helps teachers to individualize curriculum to ensure that it is meaningful to the child. The curriculum choices the teacher makes becomes part of your child's life story, affecting their skills, moviation, and excitement about learning. One of the most powerful ways to honor children's cultures is by utilizing multicultural children's literature as part of the regular curriculum. Using such material stimulates discussion about human differences, diversity, and cultural beliefs/practices. For those of us with transracial families, it is crucial that we share our knowledge of multicultural materials and literacy methods. (And if you don't have knowledge of those materials, you better get it!) Consider the following when choosing and looking for a new book:

Does this book reflect a diversity of gender roles; racial, economic, and cultural backgrounds; special needs and abilities; range of ages; range of occupations?
Do the text/illustrations present current, accurate, and respectful information/images?
Are cultural details naturally integrated into the story?
Is the speech of the people in the book accurate and appropriate?
Does the story help members of a group feel greater pride in their background?
Does the book encourage children to become more socially conscious?

And finally...check the copyright date of the book. How might that have affected the accuracy/authenticity of the book?

How we view this world is shaped by beliefs, values, and experiences of prior generations of our respective families. Each generation refines what they deem most important for their children to believe, value, and experience. Our experiences also focus the cultural lens we use to understand and process the world around us.

Teachers have the potential to play a powerful and crucial role in the lives and experiences of our children - and our families. Constructive, nurturing relationships between teacher and child, as well as mutual respect and understanding between teacher and parents greatly enhances the long term positive impact on our children's emotional and intellectual development.

Thumbs Up to TV...just this once....

2010-08-26T08:07:00.000-06:00

A few TV shows are shedding some positive light on adoption. Look!

PBS' Dinosaur Train: "This is your family, and I'm your mom" was the response to an "adopted" dinosaur who hatched and looked different from his family. They look different, but they were all dinosaurs...love it!

PBS' Electric Company: A recent episode guest starred Whoopi Goldberg as the transracial mom to lead character, Hector. The show's producers could have attempted to "match" the son and mother...but they didn't. Hurray!

Brothers and Sisters on ABC: has an ongoing storyline for a couple wanting to adopt. A recent episode showed the wife, (played by Calista Flockhart - herself an adoptive mom) using positive adoption language. A TV character actually said "Let's make an adoption plan". Ahhhh... music to my ears.

Sesame Streeton PBS: Good ole Sesame Street. After a character adopts a boy from Guatemala, Big Bird explains in the most simple terms that "adoption is when a child needs a family and a family needs a child". Beautiful!

Talk the Talk: Adoption Talk!

2010-07-31T12:36:00.001-06:00

Don't get me wrong: In 22+ years of parenting, I usually like it when my kids are reluctant to be away from me, even for a minute. Admittedly, it makes me feel good that they'd rather be with me than not. But yes, there are times now and then when its difficult to try to leave the house - or even the room - and the fussing, "Don't gooooooo!", hanging on my legs, and "When will you be back" are not heart warming.

I just finished a book that is a great read for every adoptive parent: Sherrie Eldridge's Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. She discusses, among many other things, separation anxiety. Sometimes in adopted children, these feelings are more intense and need to be acknowledged a little differently, and acknowledging the fear before offering reassurance is a key process.

"I don't want to go on the field trip today" may not actually be about the field trip. (Now, may be about the field trip, depending on the destination...every one of my children has uttered those words the morning of the 3rd grade field trip to the landfill. And I don't blame them!)

Back in the day, parents meant well, but didn't have to tools to communicate the best way possible - especially with painful feelings. Difficult subjects & feelings were usually avoided (remember completely closed adoption?). Parents didn't understand their own innermost feelings and worries and then were unable to help children acknowledge theirs. The response to the field trip apprehension may have been, "Why not? There's nothing to be afraid of. Of course you'll go!" But this didn't really offer confidence and minimized feelings of fear/anxiety. But today we are more aware of the importance of validating feelings without trying to "'fix it' ("there's nothing to be afraid of") or 'push through it' anyway ("of course you'll go!"). Sometimes just a simple affirmation provides the comfort - and courage - for kids to leave the nest, even briefly, and return again successful, empowered, and happy..."I know it scares you to be away from me sometimes. But I promise, I'll be here right when you get home. I'm confident you'll be alright. And I can't wait to hear about your adventure!"

Today as parents we know how important it is to simply validate feelings at times, especially feelings of loss and grief that impact a child's security and self esteem. Offering a simple "That must be painful" or "I understand that worries you..." can open the door to further communication and processing the feelings and worries. We have to make sure as parents that we have fully processing our own feelings about adoption, too...jealousy, loss, anger, fear of birth parents...

One thing I have learned from a beloved school psychologist, is rather than force a conversation, or keep pushing to have a conversation I may feel is necessary, sometimes the best approach is to "throw a pebble". Pebbles are statements thrown out (lovingly!) that may or may not produce an immediate response or conversation. "I wonder if your amazing art ability comes from your birth mother?". The child is then able response as they wish - when they wish.

Children are different in how they process adoption. As long as parents establish an open atmosphere for communication, and have laid the groundwork that adoption is positive, they do not need to be concerned for children who ask few questions. But they do need to be aware that some statements may be blanketing larger concerns. And inevitably, these conversations come up randomly - in the car, at bedtime, or even the morning of a field trip. Some conversations last less than a minute, and others may go on for quite awhile. Sieze the moment and listen. Talk. Hug. And be prepared - and grateful - for the moments. No matter what the subject matter - adoption or otherwise - as long as we create opportunities for conversation, or sieze them when they come, we are doing right by our children!

Transracial, Transcultural....

2010-07-22T11:17:00.000-06:00

It's a fact. An unfortunate, sad fact, but a fact: It is more difficult to find families for non white children.

Yet white families adopting biracial or African American children has been a long, intense debate. In 1994 & 1996, the fereal government passed laws forbidding racial consideration as a sole reason to deny a couple a fair chance to adopt a child of another race. Still, there seems to be some bureaucratic resistance to transracial adoption through some state social services department. Most transracial families are created with the assistance of private agencies, such as Heart to Heart. Generally speaking, most white families who desire to adopt children of another race have success in a relatively short time through private agencies like us.

Regardless of your race or the child's race, if you decide to adopt transracially, there are challenges, many of which we address on this blog regularly. And again, some of the unfortunate facts are...

some people will be positive towards you, others will be negative. (this probably has less to do with your adoption circumstance and more to do with them personally) Still, some are positive and some are not!
people are going to ask intrusive questions
your child - and even other family members - may face racial slurs.

There are those who feel children do better in families of the same race. They believe children would be racially and culturally deprived if they are not in a family with all the same race. They don't believe parents can understand racial slurs and/or insults that could happen in a child that is adopted transracially as well as a child with parents of the same race. Supporters of transracial adoption often feel that children need a loving, stable home and far too many children of minority races are stuck in the foster care system while minority families are sought for them. And unfortunately, many of these children are moved to a semi permanent situation of the same race, purely for racial reasons. Some who oppose transracial adoption feel that children adopted into families of another race are unable to develop a strong ethnic identity nor sense of racial heritage when raised by white parents.

Studies show this may not be the case! Surprised? Me neither!

Since 1971, Howard Altstein and Rita Simon have studied a group of black children adopted into white families. Their studies have indicated that the majority of these children have a strong self esteem and a positive sense of identity. (see their book "Adoption Across Borders: Serving the Children in Transracial and Intercountry Adoptions) Although Altstein and Simon found that most children have done well, they do not deny there are challenges. I don't think any of us who have adopted transracially, especially as children get older, would deny there are challenges specific to transracial adoption. Sadly, racial slurs and social inequality still exist at all levels of society. Sometimes the children don't feel like they fit in. It's also likely that the parents who participated in Altstein & Simon's study were very sensitive to racial issues and took care to deal with them as soon as possible and as effectively as possible.

That being said...shouldn't all parents who adopt across racial lines should do the same? YES. Educate yourself to potential issues & challenges & deal with them proactively! Be sensitive to your child's feelings and offer the security that they need to have the strength to deal with these challenges as they arise. And as always, as you educate yourselves, educate others -- positively. Don't be defensive, don't look to be offended, but be positive and ready to honestly share the information you feel is appropriate.

Bottom line is, I do not feel race should prevent any child from having a forever family. It's sick and wrong to think that skin color may affect a child's potential to be adopted into a loving home. But we are making a difference and changing society one family at a time by placing these sweet children into loving homes and giving them what every child should have as a right, not a privilege....a family.

We're melting....

2010-07-16T15:25:00.000-06:00

I'm not exactly the artsy craftsy KoolAid mom who keeps styrofoam meat containers, carries a glue gun on a tool belt, or is always prepared for necklaces because macaroni is bought in bulk. (Don't get me wrong - we buy pasta in bulk, but it's for consumption, not crafting!) It becomes a challenge when summer boredom kicks in; kids are sick of the pool, and it seems too hot to fire up the oven to bake a treat, much less a clay sculpture.

But what I've learned thus far - and we're only half way through summer - is that we don't have to be mini Michaelangelos to enjoy an art project now and then. Below are a few of my favorites. They are simple, inexpensive, but have provided lasting keepsakes, memories, and let's be honest...helped gobble up some time in the long, hot days of summer!

Popsicle Stick..anything! We seem to have a plethora of popsicle sticks this time of year, and we have had fun making frames, birdhouses, boats, lamps, baskets, puppets, log houses & villages, and one of the girls even made a purse. To add time on to the project...bust out the paints and glitter glue! (now if someone would just come up with an art project involving Otter Pop wrappers...)

Salt Dough Sculptures. The oldie-but-goodie craft staple. We tried several different recipes we found online - from scented to flavored (we made peanut butter play dough one day - mmmm - just like cookie dough!) and who doesn't love an excuse to squish the soft dough and use the out of season cookie cutters?
Rice Art. Love it. Minute Rice works fine, but I ended up buying a huge bag of regular rice from Costco just for art fun. We even talked a little about mosaics -- glass, stone, etc. Although we haven't branched out to trying them out.

Finger Paint...with more than paint. Kids of all ages (read: adults!) love to finger paint. So we mix up the medium a little...our two favorites are pudding and shaving cream, And the best surface is the table top itself - especially an outdoor picnic table that is easily hosed off, although a large jelly roll pan or cookie sheet works just as well in a climate controlled area....like the kitchen

Paint, Paint, Paint! (and eat it too...) We tried painting popcorn and jumbo marshmallows with sweetened condensed milk that had been tinted with food coloring. The kids loved eating as they worked. They also love just a big bucket of water and various sized paint brushes. I turn them loose outside and let them paint away. They do the sidewalk, the house, boxes, etc. Harmless, fun, and inevitably ends in a water fight.

Paint Blowing. Place a dollop (love that word) of paint (tempura, water color, etc) and use a straw to blow the paint in the desired direction. Use finger prints as needed!

Getting creative doesn't have to be expensive nor require an extensive education in artistic methods. (A favorite website for easy art project for kids is http://www.leapintoart.com/)

But have fun with it - and do what you want. Just be willing to get messy and use your imagination....and a lot of Clorox wipes....

"It's just you and me, kid..."

2010-07-07T10:33:00.001-06:00

For many people, once the little ones are tucked in at night, there is not another adult in the home to process thoughts and feelings of the day. As we celebrated Father's Day last month, and as I looked around over the Independence Day weekend, I saw many families with single parents at the helm due to different life circumstances.

While I know the elation felt at the adoption of a child, I have to pause in awe at those who make the journey alone. The roller coaster of adoption is overwhelming as a couple, and I am consistently amazed at those whose personal strength carries them through. I am sure, however, there may also come a point of acute lonliness in this new role of parent. Here are a few suggestions...

Acknowledge those emotions & ask for support! Sometimes those who were supportive of your decision to adopt fade away after the excitement of the adoption/homecoming. This is not exclusive to single parents, but may be more acutely felt. Life does have to resume for everyone, and some may just not know how to help or support once the baby is home. Ask! Tell! It can be difficult for self sufficient and independent personalities to realize they need a little support- physically (laundry, house work, etc) or emotionally (companionship, a listening ear, etc). Most friends are not mind readers, but are happy & willing to help if you just tell them how. (Truthfully, I'm always a little flattered when someone asks for my help. I'm not so good at just "jumping in", but love to be asked!)

Take a little down time! Yes, this is the green light for ME TIME. Make sure to do all those things we "should" do....eat right, get enough sleep (haha---new baby?), but make sure to take some time to do something you enjoy - and did before your little one joined your life. Who knew a mid-day movie or mani/pedi was quite so fun?

Seek professional support if need be. I am a big believer in post adoption.....feelings...ok, depression. It's a big adjustment to have a new family member, whether you gave birth or not. I feel like there was a bigger adjustment after we adopted than after I gave birth. It's such an emotional roller coaster ride and culminates in this new little miracle in your arms in your home. There can be a let down once it's done and you're settling into your new normal...and sometimes it's difficult. So if you're feeling like a trip to Starbick or 31 Flavors isn't quite handling the emotions you need to process...enlist the help of a good counselor. Our counselors at Heart to Heart can offer great referrals if need be.

To single parents everywhere...I hail you. Try to take joy in the journey...and even when you feel alone, you're not! A great website for single parents is one set up by one of our own amazing adoptive mothers...it's a great resource and way to connect with other single parents.

http://singlewomenadoptingchildren.blogspot.com/

One of the great joys of working with Heart to Heart is watching amazing families come together. And I am always amazed at the strength these single women have as they make that selfless decision to become a mother. So let's hear from you -- the experts! Share those coping strategies with us. We gain strength from each other as mothers...no matter what the rest of the family dynamic may be!

Shout out to Fathers Everywhere!!

2010-06-15T22:16:00.000-06:00

I had planned to write a lovely tribute to fathers everywhere...birthfathers who had the courage to be involved and supportive in placing their child, adoptive fathers whose love knows no boundary, grandfathers who set the example of unconditional love and acceptance.... You get the idea.

But it's not happening this week. Maybe next week. Count this as the tribute of the moment:
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
And here's why:

It happened.

Yep. The day I knew would come. I've been anticipating it for over 9 years now...and thought I'd be completely ready. But I wasn't.

Sunday started out completely normal for our family. (normal being utter chaos and confusion in trying to get ready for church and other Sunday happenings.) To justify some of the chaos, I should include a little FYI - which is - we had a wedding Tuesday. My oldest daughter got married to a wonderful young man. And in the happiness and excitement planning and executing a wedding, there has been even more chaos than usual. So yes...insane week. (in the best way possible) Kids were bickering (as usual) and exhaustion still prevailed in all of us. A little bickering between my 8 and 9 year olds (Meg & Mati) escalated til Meg hit a book out of Mati's hands. As the hard back book flew in the air and I watched it land with the sharp corner right on her knee, I knew the drama and tears were unavoidable. I separated them and sternly told them, "Stop. You two may not treat your family this way."

Mati went and sulked and Meg looked at me with huge tears in her eyes and said those 5 words I knew were coming in one form or another...

"I want my real mom!"

Ouch. For both of us.

Whew. It was out there. Finally. All these years, Meg has never wanted to or been ready to discuss any part of adoption. She has had no interest in her birth mom that she was able to express on her own. And the very few times I've asked her, she shut it right down.

**disclaimer** Bear in mind, I'm putting it all out there right now, and there's more to this than a simple blog posting will allow, but we have had great counselors along the way and much support as we have handled this the way we deemed appropriate based on our family, our daughter, and the experts we have chosen to employ. (I'm just sayin' -- this is how we've handled it---everyone has to do what's best for their family) I'm not suggesting that this is the way -- it's a way - take it for what it's worth. Just my two cents!

OK onward...
The counselors/child therapists we have spoken with have all said when Meg's ready, she will give us the cues. She'll ask questions when she's ready, she will let us know in her own way when she wants to talk or is ready for information. But we were advised not to push or create a chasm that didn't need to be there.

But I was pretty sure this was the "cue" I'd been waiting for. (yes, a "cue" that slapped me upside the head)So, with my heart breaking as I watched her little heart breaking, I tried to imagine what she was feeling. At age 9, trying to wrap her brain around this whole process. No matter how loving a placement is - and Meg's was the most loving and wonderful of placements - it still begins with rejection from the key person in life---mother.

I scooped her onto my lap and said, "I am your real mom, Meg. But we can talk about your birth mom if you'd like..."

And with that, she laid in my lap and wept while I whispered in her ear a few of the many memories I have of her birthmom...

She was so funny. She had a very dry wit and sarcasm dripped from nearly every word that came from her mouth.
She could tease Dad like no other.
She had a squishy nose - just like Meg.
She liked corn bread - just like Meg.
She was very athletic - just like Meg.
And I told Meg her name. It's a longer name that can make one smile. "T" is what we'll call her here.

I then told Meg that I had photos of her birthmom and the day she was born, and asked if she'd like to see them. She nodded.

I had never shown these photos to anyone before. Ever. They are precious - almost sacred - to me. They are also Meg's private business. I never felt it would be appropriate to share these photos with anyone before I shared them with Meg. So for 9 years they have stayed in my top dresser drawer, unbeknownst to anyone. I have always felt strongly that the details of Meg's birthparents, adoption situation, and all other details are for Meg to share - not me - with whomever she choses,whenever she is ready. I would not and have not shared the private information I have on her birthparents. I would never want anyone to make judgements of any kind, or label Meg because of those details, for good or bad. I also felt it would be a betrayal to share information with others before I shared it with Meg, even if the reason it hadn't been shared with her was simply because she was too young.

Sometimes these adoption situations have legendary stories. Some are funny. Some are sad. Some are pathetic. Some are full of drama and full of the things one would only see in the movies. Yet still, they are part of who these children are. They are circumstances that are woven into the fiber of who these children are and become. And they need to be protected and respected as such.

So...with all that in mind, Meg and I spent several hours Sunday afternoon in my bedroom - just the two of us - looking at photos and talking. I watched her face as she studied the face of T for the first time in her young life. She immediately noticed the obvious physical similarities. And she smiled. She loved the photo of her T and I holding hands as Meg was born. She thought it was hilarious that I was captured forever on film in The Ugly Cry. (you know the one---red face, contorted, tears and snot everywhere...need I say more?) But I couldn't stop crying that day. I had never witnessed the birth of a baby. And I was so moved - watching T go through that process, and then hand that baby - my sweet daughter - straight to me. I had never felt anything like it before.

I asked Meg if she'd like to make a little book with the pictures. I hauled scrapbook papers, glue, scissors, stickers all back to my bedroom and together we cut and pasted each photo to the paper she chose. We had a great time putting it together and Meg knows this is her special book. She can do with it what she wants. She can share it with whomever she wants - or not. She can carry it with her or put it in a place only she knows. It's hers. The beginning of her story.

There has been a peace and calm about Meg since then. She is very proud of her book. She likes looking at it. She fell asleep last night with a photo against her cheek - the photo of T holding her. But there have been a few bumps, too. When I asked her to make her bed this morning, she said "I want my real mom".

But it's ok. I understand. I am learning to recognize the feelings behind the words rather than words themselves.

Meg's tears have dried up for now. But they will come again. I don't know when. And until then, I'll just keep answering the questions she has the best way I know how. Even today--two more random questions. As we were getting ready to go on a walk, she asked "Where does my birth mom live? Is she close?" I said no. The last I knew, she lived in Georgia. Then later today, she asked "Is T alive or dead?" I just try to be honest and not overreact. I said "Truthfully, I don't know. But as far as I know, she is alive." When these questions come so randomly - at such random times - it reaffirms in my mind that neither of us has stopped thinking about this since Sunday morning. But it's ok. She is processing 9 years of living that she hasn't been ready to process - til now.

This has been a big few weeks for Meg - and our whole family. School is out for the year. She said good bye to her sweet teacher - at least for the summer. Less than a week later, she said goodbye to her big sister who got married - and went on a honeymoon. And here it is a week later, and we haven't seen nor heard from her. (which is entirely another subject - I think honeymoons should be for families. But more on that later!)

All in all, it's pretty big stuff for a 9 year old to absorb. Our family dynamic is different. It's not bad - it is just different now. And there are many different triggers throughout life that will bring these questions, concerns, and uneasiness to the surface for these kids. Personally, I think when Meg says, "I want my real mom" what she may be feeling is confusion, sadness, frustration, and maybe even fear that things are different now. And she's just trying to figure out where she fits in. We all are. And hopefully together we'll figure out where we fit in - and we fit together.

"Are They Sisters?"

2010-06-04T08:08:00.000-06:00

As every parent in a transracial family knows, there are questions from people everywhere you go. From complete strangers, to family and friends, I am still occasionally caught by surprise at the boldness of some as well as the complete ignorance of others. Most of the time, the questions I am asked are genuine, innocent questions from someone who truly wants to know more about our unique family. I believe that most people do not ask a question to cause hurt or offense. (although sometimes, I admit, I am a little hurt and even sometimes offended at the way the question is asked, or the complete lack of regard for what my children may feel as a question is asked as if they didn't exist - when they are sitting right there!)

While sometimes my initial reaction is to scream, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" and storm off in a huff, I have learned slowly but surely, that the best response to any question is to answer the best way I can, in the kindest way possible. Here are a few of the exchanges I have had in the 9 1/2 years since my first adoption...
Maybe these examples will give you ideas of how to respond - or not respond - if you're ever in a similar situation:

"Are they real sisters?" Yep. This is one I still don't understand. For some reason, when a stranger asks, I'm annoyed to be sure, but not quite as annoyed as when someone who knows us asks. A new neighbor, acquaintance at the elementary school, the familiar checker at the grocery store. My children - especially my adopted daughters - have a deep and sweet bond. Why do some people feel it is their business, or even crucial infomation, to know whether they are biologically related? I have offered many responses over the years, ranging from "Why do you ask?" (which is code for "Why do you care"), to "What do you mean?" (code for "I understand your question, but I am so not in the mood to answer"), and occasionally I want to say, with a very caustic tone, "Seriously? Is that your real hair*?" (*can be easily used with any of these words: nose, choice of dress, diamond, or even...a-hem...'chest') I've even answered with a curt "Yes".

If I feel my heart race, my face flush, or my jaw clench, I am getting pretty good at the deep breath, somewhat fake pleasant smile, and a soft tone as I answer, "Hmmm...what do you think?" and walk away. If the cool escape is not feasible, I usually say, "They are now." And leave it at that!

"How much did she cost?" Not kidding. I've been asked this more than once, too. A good response for that is: "All adoption agencies charge different fees." (I have to admit here, I have an arsenal of very sarcastic, sharp responses, which I try to keep under my lid. I am usually successful...)
"Why did her mom give her up?" I dislike this one - a lot - but a few responses I've been able to muster (once the shock and awe diminishes) are: "Every birth parent has different reasons when they make an adoption plan." (A good response as it introduces 2 key vocabulary words -- "birth parent" vs. "real mom" and "adoption plan" vs. "give her up")
"Where's she from? Africa?" Wow. Honestly? It's 2010. Yes, I'm white. She's black. But last time I checked, there were many races being born every day in the good ole US of A. This one I do not even dignify with a witty or clever answer. I usually say something along the lines of "She was born at Cottonwood Hospital, just like all my children were." or "She's from right here - Holladay!" If it's someone with a genuine question who doesn't mean to sound like an idiot, I will say, "She's from here. Her birthmother lives in Georgia." This is one question, however, where the sarcastic responses are almost too much for me to restrain. I am waiting and wondering who the lucky person will be that is the recipient of my unrestrained string of verbal barbs loosely cloaked as an answer to the question.

"How long have you had her?" or "When did you get her?" Do they want me to say something like "Oh, it's been about 2 hours now." or "We got her while on vacation last year." Really?! But again, that deep cleansing breath works wonders in calming my natural tendency toward sarcasm, and I say simply, "At birth". The end. Not a lot more to say after that, huh?

These are just a few of the amazing questions I've encountered. Although the manner in which they are delivered could be another entire posting. (Do you love when people yell or talk very slowly to your child, as if they are deaf or speak a different language? It's still amusing to me.) I still maintain that the best response is a soft one. Educate those who ask, don't be defensive. And remember: Do not take offense where none is intended. Yes, some questions are downright offensive. But the offense is because of ignorance. So educate others in your response.

Write in and tell me some of your experiences with awkward questions - and especially your positive answers. We gain understanding and strength by sharing. And sometimes, it's just nice to know you're not alone.

Think it over...

2010-05-28T16:55:00.000-06:00

As we head into Memorial Day weekend, give some thought to these ideas...

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves.

A wonderful placement in Tennessee!

2010-05-22T15:22:00.000-06:00

Rachel spent the week in Tennessee working with birthmother, Danielle. Danielle's baby joined Rob and Rhanda's family.

Danielle's sisters are happy for the baby!

Rachel did a great job, as always, in handling a smooth placement. Congratulations, Rob & Rhanda!!

The Sweetest Mother's Day Letter From One Of Our Sweetest Adoptive Mothers!

2010-05-15T14:01:00.000-06:00

"I think of my birth mothers a lot during this time of year. I

cherish them. I am so grateful for my children and the amazing birth

parents that are a part of my life now. And I know I wouldn't be a

mother if it were not for them, but I also know that all of you at

Heart to Heart have done so much to make this possible for us, too. I

would be a fool to think otherwise. Thanks to all of you and Happy

Mothers day as well.

I want you to know that you mean a lot to my family.

Your patience and willingness to work with us has not gone

unnoticed. I love my children dearly and I could never repay you for

all you have done for us.

I sent you an invitation to Williams sealing and blessing I know we

are far away, but we want you to know what you mean to us and we would

love to have you there

if circumstances allow.

I hope all is going

well with you and your business. I have had several friends now adopt

through you guys just this year and it brings happiness to my heart

that you have touched another family the way you have ours. Thank you

for all your service!!

With Love,

Courtney

2010-05-07T09:53:00.002-06:00

Motherhood is an amazing, beautiful thing. It opens you to a love deeper than you ever thought possible. And as a mother to both adopted and biological children, I can say with no hesitation that the love I feel for every one of my children is the same. The positive pregnancy tests I have had did not outshine in any way the realization that somewhere out there another woman was carrying the daughter who would be mine and fill a vital role in our family. My motherhood experience began in very different ways with each of my children who joined our family in different but amazing ways. Motherhood transcends biology, transcends adoption, and builds its foundation firmly on love and commitment. And every day, no matter how challenging, I remain profoundly grateful to be a mother to the incredible children that belong right here. In my family.

"I may never feel you kick, or hear your heart beat that first time,

But from the moment that I hold you, there's no doubt that you are mine..."
(--author unknown--)

To all you amazing mothers everywhere, Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's Day Month - both birthmothers and adoptive mothers!

2010-05-01T23:23:00.000-06:00

HAPPY BIRTHMOTHER'S DAY!

Birthmother's Day is unique in the adoption community. There are an estimated 6 million adoptees in the US alone - plus the millions elsewhere around the world - who each have two mothers: the one who parented, and the one who gave birth.

Mother's Day, celebrated since the days of Ancient Greece, is observed on the second Sunday of May. And ever since 1990 when it was first celebrated in Seattle, Birthmother's Day has been observed on the Saturday before Mother's Day.

Mary Jean Wolch-Marsh first conceived the idea of Birthmothers Day as a result of her own adoption experience. She knew she was a mother, but didn't feel recognized as such, either by those around her or by her daughter's parents. Remembering the feelings she'd experienced at her daughter's birth - feelings of triumph and euphoria - she used them to help in her own healing.

So many adoptive parents ask other birth parents what good gifts are for mothers who are planning to place or their children’s birthmoms. This has to be difficult, because how can a mere gift say thanks for answering their prayers. But, at appropriate times, gifts are nice tokens of appreciation. Below are some ideas for gifts:

- Pictures are always wonderful, but should not really be considered a gift. But doing something special with them is! If you are crafty you could make a scrapbook and send her the book with a few completed pages, then continue to periodically send completed pages for her to put in the scrapbook. Also, special frames make the picture a gift.
- Journals are great gifts. Include a nice writing pen.

- Anything to spoil a birthmom! Candles, bath gels, soaps, etc

- Jewelry: Lockets (with a picture of the child,) a ring with the child’s birthstone, a charm bracelet (you could give a new charm each year)

- Bring her flowers to the hospital when she delivers the baby.

- If you live in a different part of the country, something from your area might make a nice keepsake.

- The child’s hand in a plaque (can use the phrase "you are forever in my heart.") Even just a tracing of the child's hand on paper can be a cherished treasure.

- Anything your child makes!

May Birth Mother's Day bring acknowledgement and recognition to every birth mother who ever loved a child enough to create adoption plan. May it honor and celebrate every mother who placed a child and thereby gave another mother the privilege of experiencing Mother's Day, too.

A book by one of our favorite adoptive moms!

2010-04-25T15:02:00.000-06:00

One of our wonderful adoptive moms, Shannon Guymon, is an author who has written several fictional books...

Taking Chances
Makeover
Soul Searching
Forever Friends
Justifiable Means
A Trusting Heart
Never Letting Go of Hope

and coming in November, 2010...

The Broken Road

Shannon is a great writer, and her most recent book is now available:
Child of Many Colors
Stories of Transracial Adoption

"Families come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Some are big. Some are small. And some don't even look like each other. But no matter what your family looks like, one thing is certain: the most important part of being a forever family is feeling loved."

In Child of Many Colors, Shannon has compiled an inspiring collection of stories depicting the drama, excitement, and pangs of anxiety that accompany building a family - including a few moms who have adopted through Heart - and even a few adoptive moms who just happened to also be employees of Heart to Heart. Drawing on her own experiences as an adoptive mom, Shannon presents the true-to-life realities of transracial adoption. And while we all know that transracial adoption has unique challenges, it also offers special opportunities and a joy you won't find anywhere else.

Whether you're just beginning the adoption journey or you're already a seasoned traveler, this book is the perfect companion to help you find your destination - a home filled with laughter and love. Enjoy the smiles, the tears, and all the hugs and kisses that come with belonging to a forever family - no matter what that family looks like.

2010-04-16T09:27:00.000-06:00

As we hear of disrupted adoption situations, most recently in the Russian adoption program, we find ourselves feeling strong emotions and having definite opinions. And as with almost any news story audible and visible to children, the recent news of challenges in Russian adoptions can be unsettling and unnerving to children - especially adopted children. They may find themselves wondering if they are secure in their home and family. They may even ask questions. I believe questions are always a good thing. But we have to be prepared to answer thoughtfully, truthfully, and lovingly.

Early discussions regarding adoption are always the best foundation. The first goal is to create an atmosphere of trust and openness. Every single detail is not necessary - especially with young children. Children will understand some information, and misunderstand some information, but the feelings they are left with will remain. It is perfectly ok for a parent to say "It is uncomfortable for me to talk about this, but I am so glad you asked." Try to identify and label your feelings rather than let your child infer them, which can lead to inaccurate and upsetting conclusions. You're also modeling great coping skills!

Now do your best to answer - and tell your child that. Do not worry if you answer perfectly the first time a question about adoption arises. You'll have many more opportunities to answer - and if you don't like the way you answered the first time, do it better the next time!

Once you've explored your own feelings, make sure you explore the feelings and concepts your child possesses. Sometimes we make a mistake in thinking children understand a concept just because we used all the "right words". Children take information and draw very different conclusions than adults - or other children for that matter. Children think and develop and process at very different levels.

Remember that no matter how you answer the question, what will remain is how the child felt during the conversation. Be responsive. Be empathetic. Be loving. And my favorite...be "dialed in". Turn off the phone, turn off the computer, and focus on that child! This is not the time to multi task. The more you validate the child's feelings in times of concern or misunderstanding, the better they will incorporate the new concepts you introduce. Statements like, "I can see how you would think that." or "I understand why that would make you feel worried." Ask them what they think happened. Encourage them to problem solve and process their interpretation of events. Don't feel like you have to tell the whole story, but do answer the questions they have asked. Ask them what they remember from similiar conversations you've had in the past, and make sure you ask if there's anything more they want to discuss before the conversation is over. This is also a healthy way to process and be comfortable in our own feelings, both happy and sad.

Remember, this is a lifetime dialogue, and one you'll want to both remember with love and even laughter. Children need reassurance that they are loved, safe, and secure. And if you think about it...adults do, too...

Music to their ears....

2010-04-09T08:57:00.011-06:00

For very young children, music has power beyond words. First and foremost, sharing music with children is simply a way to give - and receive - love. Music experiences also support the formation of brain connections that are being established in the first three years of life.

Like all the best experiences in early childhood, music helps development on many levels. Simply singing a lullaby while rocking your baby to sleep stimulates early language development, promotes attachment & bonding, and can even help your baby recognize spatial awareness. And the experience of being soothed helps baby learn to soothe herself. Who knew "Rock-a-bye, Baby, on the tree top...." was so important!

Music, by its very nature, is a social experience. Singing and sharing instrumnts is often the first interaction with "friends" that children have. Singing about feelings helps toddlers put words to their emotions; "If you're happy and you know it...." One study found that babies as young as 5 months of age can disinguish between happy and sad music tones.

Physical development is learned early on by using muscles in lips to form words to a song, small hand muscles are strengthened by holding simple musical instruments, and leg and arm muscles are strengthened and fine tuned as baby marches or dances to the different beats of the music. Balance is improved by swaying to the music. Fine motor skills are used to sing "Where is Thumbkin?" or "Open, Shut Them". Many songs introduce simple mathmatics...."One, Two, Buckle My Shoe" or "Three Little Ducks".

Music plays a crucial part in children's lives. Through music, babies and toddlers can come to understand their feelings and discover their world in rich, complex ways. Most importantly, discovering music can help make a child feel cherished and important. To borrow from a well known advertisement:

The price of an egg shaker? $4

The price of a CD? $15

Using music to enrich your baby's life? PRICELESS.

Good News on Taxes - REALLY!

2010-04-02T20:04:00.005-06:00

Good news for adoptive families on the health care bill signed into law in March. Included in the changes were favorable changes to the Adoption Tax Credit. The Joint Council for International Children's Services summarize the changes as follows:

Maximum credit was increased from $12,150 to $13,170

The credit is extended through December 2011

The credit was made refundable. If a family has no tax liability, the IRS will refund the amount due.

To read the bill's text, look at www.opencongress.org/house_reconciliation

10 Ways to Handle Discipline Dilemmas

2010-03-26T10:17:00.007-06:00

BE FIRM AND KIND A child is more likely to hear what you're saying if it's said in a neutral tone.
PAUSE It's ok to say, "I'm too angry to talk about this right now. We will talk about it in a little while."
TEACH-DON'T PUNISH Teach your children how to behave, rather than punish for misbehaving. Say, "I don't like it when you leave your roller blades in the entry way. They belong in the mud room. How can I help you remember?

BE POSITIVE Instead of saying, "How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?" say, "Go brush your teeth and let me know when you're finished, then we'll read a book."

GIVE EXPLANATIONS NOT THREATS By giving a brief explanation of why she needs to do as she's told, you give her a reason to behave.

REFUSE TO GET ANGRY Instead of focusing on your child's misbehavior and working yourself into a lather, try to use each conflict as an opportunity to guide and direct your child.
7. GIVE INCENTIVES Inspire your child to cooperate with phrases like, "It's almost time to go. Why don't you hurry down the slide one more time, then let's hustle home. I'd like to make cookies!"

8. BE FLEXIBLE If your child asks, "Can I just finish watching this show before we go?", try to be reasonable. If you have the time to spare, try to make room for your child's requests. This is a great way for kids to learn about negotiation. Besides, why say no when you could say yes?

9. DROP THE POWER STRUGGLES Nothing is as frustrating or counter productive as having a showdown. Invite cooperation by saying, "We've got a problem. I'd like you to wear a clean shirt, and you insist on wearing the same shirt every day. How can we solve this problem?" Your child is more likely to cooperate if he feels some ownership in solving the problem.

10. BE SMART As parents, we often deal with problems in the same manner, even if the approach is ineffective. If what you're doing isn't working, find a new way! It's far easier to change your approach than change your child. Ask yourself, "What can I do to inspire a better reaction in my child?"

*adapted from parenting.com

Started out great--and just keeps getting better!

2010-03-19T07:55:00.011-06:00

Boston and Mom at the Happiest Place on Earth.

Boston is two! Can you believe it?

Neither can we!

But here's the happy update from his mom, Raegen:

"Boston and 2 and going strong! Where he gets all his energy, I'll never know. He is really talking now and most of the day, all I hear is 'Mama, Mama...' Every time he says it, I just think how lucky I am to be this incredible little boy's Mama. We took him to Disneyworld in November, and oh my goodness. We've had fun before, but to see his face light up every time he saw things was so amazing. His favorite by far was Dumbo! For weeks after we got home, he would stand at the window and call for 'Bumbo', as he calls him.

I look at your blog often, and wish we could work with you guys again. (Why do we have to live in Canada!!)

All Our Love,

Jeremy, Raegen, and BOSTON"

Happy Hudson!

2010-03-12T16:18:00.004-07:00

Hearty congratulations to Baby Hudson -- he found his mom and dad --- Jim and Sara!

Jim and Sara received a call from Heart to Heart on February 16 and were matched with their birth family that same day. Hudson made his grand entrance into this world on February 17 in Montgomery, Alabama. Jim and Sara boarded the plane for Alabama on February 18 where they met birthmother, Essie, and birthfather, Linwaun. Essie & Linwaun were really struggling with the decision to place their baby for adoption, but truly believed it was the best decision they could make for the baby. They gave Jim & Sara some family history and they took lots of pictures!

Jim, Sara, Essie, & Linwaun have a semi open adoption and plan to share photos & updates with each other through the agency, and their amazing social worker, our own Rachel!

In just over a week, paperwork (ICPC) was complete, and Hudson enjoyed his first plane ride to Utah to meet the rest of his new family. His two new older sisters - as well as many family and friends - were all thrilled to welcome Hudson HOME.

CONGRATULATIONS to Jim, Sara, Hudson & his new sisters! Look at this adoring mom.... It just doesn't get better than this!

A NEW DAY IN DAY CARE!

2010-03-05T10:32:00.009-07:00

With so many families being stretched to their limits in every way - emotionally, financially, even physically - and parents needing to work outside the home, day care is becoming necessary for babies & toddlers more than ever. The good news is, most day care providers are incorporating new approaches to counter the practices of years past, where it seemed that much of the care of infants and toddlers is more like glorified babysitting or watered down preschool. This style of day care, the belief was that these children only needed health and safety, and bonding with caregivers and attention to development was unnecessary. Some believed that adult directed curriculum's should be followed by every baby stimulated by planned lessons throughout the day. Both ignored what has recently been discovered about what infant and toddlers really need to help them grow and learn.

The biggest thing we know now is that babies come into care with their own learning agenda, their own curriculum, and their own timetable.

Babies have an inborn motivation to learn and explore. They are on a constant quest for knowledge and learning through their senses; through what they see, hear, feel, taste, and touch. And they do it without prompting.

Many people have the mistaken belief that infants learn the same way as school children do: adults set objectives and goals for the children, and try to get children to focus on the skills and content they should master. However, research today is showing what every mother has always known: every baby is different! And baby learning is different.

Babies are not wired to focus on one particular skill or idea or planned focus. But they are very good at exploring real objects in their world - and interacting with the people around them! Babies need to be in an age appropriate environment. The environment that a school child thrives in will actually be negative for an infant. In these situations, infants will become less interested in learning, expect less of themselves, become less cooperative, and become quite stressed.

The good news is this: many programs are aware of the research and are "righting the ship".
Armed with new knowledge, infant and toddler teachers are starting to match their agenda with the learning agenda of the baby. They are respecting and responding the developmental process of the infant, rather than treat them as just their "charge". And what has emerged is a new, dramatic role of the infant care teacher: not a babysitter or care provider but rather a caring facilitator of the child's journey toward emotional, cognitive, language, physical, and social development. The infant is an active partner in the process, and daily experiences move and flow with the baby's changing needs.

Stay in close contact with your child's day care provider. Make sure your child has a positive bond with her. And be involved enough to know that your child's needs are being met appropriately on the level of the child, not at the agenda of the adults. And then enjoy watching your little one emerge and grow into the person he/she was always meant to be!

Last week of Black History Month...

2010-02-24T17:14:00.008-07:00

A meaningful way to celebrate Black History Month is to consider one of the greatest influences in black history...Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and his legacy of non violence.

Dr. King led a major struggle to eliminate racial discrimination and segregation in the South. He quickly recognized that the best strategy was to use non violent forms of protest. He realized that violence on the part of anyone associated with him would lead to violent counterattacks, leading to injury and death of his followers. He had to teach his followers to not respond violently to violent provocations. Some of the benefits....

Non violence put his followers on moral high ground and made the brutality of racists very apparent.

His followers were proud they could contain their violence and not hate their enemies.

Dr. King was a Christian minister and his turn-the-other-cheek philosophy represented some of the best principles for creating harmony among all people.

Youth today can learn that non violent protest and active participation in the democratic process are the best ways to bring about change.

Dr. King understood better than most people that violence begets violence. We need to remember that!

And so...how can we honor this legacy in our daily lives?
Avoid fights. Everyone gets angry, but violence in any form is unacceptable. We can help children avoid violence by acknowledging their anger even as we set boundaries for them. We need to help them identify constructive ways of dealing with strong emotions....like, "I understand you are very mad, but you may not hit others."

Eliminate violence in our families. Establish cooperative ways of interacting, and set the example for managing differences and resolving conflict within the home. Counting to ten, taking a deep, cleansing breath, or in our house...singing how you feel if you feel your anger escalating usually diffuses a tense situation. (and the singing? It usually dissolves into laughter!) After we calm down a bit, we can listen to a different point of view with respect, even if we don't agree. As we truly discuss - and and work together to search for solutions to conflict, we teach basic skills for conflict resolution.
Support violence prevention and conflict resolution programs in the school system. Find out what programs are available through your school or religious organization. If none exist, contact an organization (ie, Educators for Social Responsibility) that create curriculum materials promoting peaceful resolution to problems.

Each time we renew our commitment to peaceful conflict resolution, we honor the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King. Be part of the peaceful solution!